Yesterday Was Not My Best Day Ever

Guess Ceasar was right 'bout it not bein' entirely safe for me to be commutin' back and forth 'tween Blackburne and Hale's Moon. Though, to be fair, I wasn't commutin' so much as I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time yesterday. I'd flown my starfury, Merkabah, over to Hale's Moon to see Aeon and work on wedding plans, and the place was deserted. Reckoned I'd stick around and see if anyone showed, and was doin' just that when the 'lliance troops attacked.

I didn't have time to get on the Cortex, but I shot two quick messages to Amy and Ash so they could get the word out. Don't reckon I got a clear count of how many attacked the town. I know I shot a couple up real good 'fore I took hits and went down. Two of 'em came over to check if I was alive, kicked me, and then patched me up. Checked me for identification, too, which, thank the good Lord, I didn't have on me. Then, they cuffed me and started tuggin' me off t'ward the desert, which was when Ash showed up shootin' and yellin' for me to run. I couldn'ta or you can bet yer happy ass I woulda. One of the troops kept draggin' me to the desert, where their dropship was, while the other covered us.

I got shoved in the dropship and left on the floor at gunpoint as we took off, headed for God only knows where. Ended up in some kinda hangar... Didn't get such a great look at it from the outside mainly cuz I was hurtin' so bad I couldn't move. My spleen'll never be the same. Anyway, it wasn't a long flight, really. 'Fore I knew it, that one that patched me up, the private, was draggin' me by my hair out into the hangar, where he started tryin' to interrogate me. I wouldn't even give 'em my name, which's 'bout as far as we got. He backhanded me every time I tried gettin' cute. Then he broke my wrist. I still wouldn't talk. So he pulled my own gun on me and chambered a round. Figured I was dead. Even said a prayer. But the officer stopped him. Dunno why. Guess they needed me to talk.

The officer told him to throw me in the brig for a few days, so I got dragged by my hair again. The officer took my cuffs off, which was real stupid of him, and the private ripped one of my bandages off and stuck his finger in the bullet hole, twistin'. Hurt almost as bad as him breakin' my wrist. They shoved me in the cell and locked the door. The thought of tryin' to hurt 'em and make a break for it occurred to me, but after that, what? I can pilot Merkabah, Chrysalis, and Serendipity, but it's cuz I actually studied the manuals and practiced with 'em. Ain't so certain me tryin' to fly some 'lliance ship'd work out so great for me. And 'sides that, Ash knew they took me. I figured she'd try to find Aeon or Nack, and someone'd come rescue me.

That crazy girl... she somehow managed to round up a few folks - Amy, x0x0 and Sunray - and flew her firefly up to wherever it was I was bein' held. They stormed in shootin'. Dunno exactly what happened, but I could hear shoutin' and shootin', but I reckon they got Sunray, cuz I heard 'em comin' with her, sayin' they was gonna throw her in the brig. I was ready when they got there. They opened the door, shoved her in and started to close it, but I busted out, slammin' the private 'cross the face with my elbow. I reckon I musta jolted his brain outta socket, cuz he couldn't quite figure out whether to shoot me or punch me. I hit him 'til he collapsed, and then kicked the ever-lovin' shit outta him. Unsportsmanlike, I know, but I was good and pissed. The officer came runnin' in, and I decked him with my good hand. He tried to fight back, but I think 'tween the band of pissed women in hangar with guns and me beltin' him round the head repeatedly, he was kinda frazzled, cuz he went down as easy as the private. Wonder if they're dead. I didn't exactly think to check, as I was in kinda a hurry.

I grabbed Sunray, whose arm was jacked all to hell, and we huffed it out to the hangar (after I grabbed Regina and Renata, my M4 Redemptions, 'course), where Ash, Amy and x0x0 was waitin' with Ash's boat. Alarms were goin' off, lights flashin'. I figured we wasn't gettin' away that easy, so 'fore I strapped myself in for a bumpy ride, I grabbed a roll of duct tape so I could work on makin' my right hand serviceable with a gun - I basically taped my wrist so I couldn't move it, then taped the gun to my hand so all I had to do was aim and pull the trigger.

They sent a bomber after us. Soon as we got in atmo that bastard was firin' at us. By that time, the call'd gone out, and there was a bunch more browncoats runnin' around. It was chaos, everyone all over the place, tryin' to figure out what was goin' on. Eventually, everyone figured out we was under attack and started shootin' at the bomber. Guess we damaged him pretty bad, cuz he took off back to...wherever he came from.

And then, it was over. Everything was a flurry of tendin' to wounds and cussin' at the gorram 'lliance. Everybody was fine. Y'know, alive. I reckon I'mna be hurtin' for a good long while til I heal up. And looks like the weddin's gonna be off for a bit, til I get this gorram cast off my arm.

Interestin' development last night, though. Seems x0x0 went lookin' for trouble over in Washtown. She boarded an 'lliance boat parked there and started snoopin'. Not only did she get discovered and have to kill the men on board (not cryin' here), but she found somethin'... a photograph of me with the Lieutenant with a message talkin' 'bout needin' to acquire my genetic material for testin'. x0x0 thinks it's 'bout me seein' colors now and my eyes changin'. Begs the question, though - Did I get taken prisoner randomly cuz they wanted some kinda information, or did I get taken prisoner cuz of that picture? Seems like it was random bad luck, considerin' how I was treated, and how easy I got away, and I'm fair certain once the news't they had me in custody and escaped, if I didn't kill the two purplebellies, they'll prol'ly wish I had.

In any case, I reckon I'mna need to watch my step from here on out. Maybe I should ask Jayne if it's safe for me to be out in the wastes yet, cuz bein' scarce mightn't be such a rotten idea.

Feelin' The West

Bump.

Somethin' happened yesterday. Somethin' strange. Somethin' scary. Somethin' maybe life-alterin'. Don't reckon I'll ever be the same again.

Started in the bar. x0x0 showed up in a dress lookin' all beautiful and feminine, and she backed Neut into a corner askin' if he liked her. Bein' a man, he tried to wriggle his way out of it by avoidance or answerin' with questions. Sometimes, an "ain't that enough?" answer just don't cut it. She's been feelin' a might insecure lately, and I think she got tired of him bein' wishy washy, which I can understand, cuz I been there my own self. Sometimes ya just gotta have definites, cuz unsure's sure as hell don't help shape yer existence.

Anyway, she got upset and went to the shelter. I was on my way to my sewerpipe when I changed my mind and decided to go check on her, cuz sometimes, just knowin' someone cares 'nough to come after you to make sure you're okay makes things a little better. I think she'd been cryin'. She was layin' there, and I was sayin' some men're scared to admit their feelin's, and she stood up and looked at me and said, "Bump."

Now, I normally woulda passed it off as normal x0x0 bein' random behavior, cuz she does that lots, just sayin' somethin' outta the blue. But it caught my attention, cuz I'd heard Jayne say the same word the day b'fore. Not heard her in my head, neither. She actually spoke. Kinda freaked me out when she said it, cuz, y'know, Jayne don't speak. At all. But as the day went on, I forgot. 'Til x0x0 said it last night. So I repeated it as a question. "Bump?" Everything went black.

Next thing I knew, I was tryin' to bury my face in the floor, my head felt like there was an angry midget with a pickaxe tryin' to bust outta my skull, x0x0 was screamin' and cryin', and Chol was yellin' at her. Chol wanted her to get outta the shelter. I think he thought she'd hurt me. And I think he was afraid she'd hurt me more. I could hear panic in his voice. He told me I had to get up and go to with him to the medpav so he could figure out what happened to me.

I opened my eyes. It was unreal, the explosion of colors that assaulted me. It physically hurt my 'ntire body. Each person I saw had this brilliant... the closest I could come to describin' it is to say they looked like stars close up, just smaller, and different colors on each person. It scared the hell outta me. Thought my brain'd gone funny, like maybe I'd hit it. But the more I looked, the more I realized it was ethereal and everyone's I saw was unique.

Not sure what it's all 'bout. Amy thinks it's me bein' able to see peoples' auras. But the question is, did x0x0 do it to me, or was it just a coincidence? Maybe she opened my brain up and let somethin' in. Don't rightly know, and doubt I ever will. All I know's that it's hard to look at folks now. The colors are so vivid and bright, like full body halos, and it hurts my head. Maybe I'll get used to it. Hope I will. But for now, I'mna just wear sunglasses and try to avoid lookin' at anyone.

x0x0 wanted to leave. She felt horrible 'bout it, like it was her fault. I don't want her to go. She's as much a part of this place as I am. And it wasn't her fault, even if it was somethin' she did. It wasn't her intent. She's got a good heart, and that's what matters. I hope she stays 'round. I'll get through this one way or another, ain't like I'm maimed for life. My world view's just more dazzlin' than it was before.

Chillin' On Humpday

Rovin' Thoughts

I keep hearin' reports from Downing. I feel wretched, cuz I'm too chickenshit to go help. Part of it's my history there and my desire for self-preservation kickin' in, but also, I cant' seem to stop thinkin' 'bout what x0x0 said 'bout Reavers and slaughter there. Is there really gonna be some kinda attack on Downin'? x0 said Amy'd make it back from there fine. Me and Chol, though, wouldn't. I know some people think she's crazy... but she's been right before. I trust her. Cuz I ain't willin' to stake my life on her bein' crazy, but also cuz I'm fairly certain she don't mean no harm - she's tryin' to help.

I think x0x0's sorta like me - she belongs here, but she don't feel like she fits in. I know the feelin' well, and it ain't no picnic. It's lonely as hell. 'ventually, you start wonderin' why you even bother showin' up. And then, there's the agitation, the need to constantly be anywhere but where you are at the moment. I've been like that recently. And I seen it in her. I wanna help her, I wanna reassure her... but I feel the same way, and ain't nothin' I heard so far's made me feel a damn bit different.

I been talkin' a lot lately with Neutrino. 'specially when I'm upset. He seems to sense it, then tracks me down when I storm off toward my sewage pipe. 's funny, I normally don't wanna be 'round anyone when I'm like that, cuz most folks don't understand that it's a process I gotta go through to get where I'm okay with things. But Neut seems to understand I gotta go through all that, and don't try and force me out of my funks. He just talks and relates. And it helps, by God. He's a real insightful man. And a real good friend. I wish I could return the favor to him somehow. I'd like to see him happy, and I suspect that's only gonna happen when him an' x0x0 finally stop bein' stubborn and skeptical and realize they're totally in love with eachother.

And speakin' of... The lieutenant invited me on his ship. Twice. I feel weird goin' there, bein' as that it's a gorram 'lliance ship - like somehow I'm turnin' traitor or somethin'. But I ain't. He knows I'm browncoat through and through, and he knows I wouldn't hesitate to shoot him 'f he ever did anything to harm anyone on my side. But, I can't even rightly say what's goin' on there. He acted like we was old friends, like we hadn't... Well, he was a gentleman, to say the least. And he told me he thought we shouldn't... how'd he put it? We should act like we don't really know eachother 'round other people, for both our protection. Seems to think people here'll start thinkin' I'm turnin' traitor, which, I don't see happenin', cuz everyone here knows I'm as brown as ya get. But I understand for his sake, cuz if the 'lliance sees he's makin' friends with Independents, it could cause lotsa trouble for him. So, I'll play along and act like I don't know him from Adam when there's other people 'round. I think it makes it easier for me 'f I refer to him as 'the lieutenant' than as his name. Makes him less... personable. Makes whatever's between us seem more formal and distanced. Which's maybe better for me anyway. 'Cuz I honestly don't see him leavin' the 'lliance. They got him partly brainwashed, and even though I know he wants to tell 'em to go get stuffed and settle down in some small, quiet town like Blackburne, but he won't never do it. I'm prol'ly foolin' myself thinkin' anything of him. But, well, I am.

He tried givin' me food yesterday. And vitamins. I told him I ain't been real hungry lately. Which's true. The nausea makes it hard to get a good appetite up. 'specially when my last few meals've come right back up. But I talked to Chol and Amy 'bout it, and Chol says it's more'n likely the radiation gettin' to me. They both said it'll pass as my body adapts to it. Hope I adapt quick, this feelin' like I got the plague ain't doin' wonders for my mood. But yeah, not so sure I'm comfortable takin' food from the lieutenant... Dunno why. Just feels weird. Wrong. Somethin'. Maybe it's just 'cuz it's 'lliance supplies.

Guess I should be gettin' off here and tryin' to find Amy. Looks to be a pretty low-key night, which's good. Hopefully nothin' nasty'll show up and wreck the relaxation. But if it does, we'll be ready to shoot it into a bullet-riddled, twitchin' pile of hamburger meat... 'cuz that's what we do.

Sultry [a narrative]

The heat was getting to her. It was sticky and clinging, oppressive and smothering, especially in the bar, where the heat from sweaty bodies mingled with the stifling torridity. Beads of sweat trailed down her torso in rivers, and her perspiration-soaked clothes stuck to her like a second skin. Rising slowly, she ambled out the door into the night, the open air a few degrees cooler, and continued out across the yard of the bar, the hint of a breeze caressing her damp form.

She knew exactly where she was going, even if the sultry heat was sapping her energy, and her steps fell almost instinctively, without her paying one bit of attention to her path. She'd travelled this exact course with a disturbing regularity, because lately, she'd felt compelled to be alone much more than usual - there was an inexplicable barrier between herself and other people, and she frequently found herself bouncing back and forth between detesting human company and longing with all her heart for it. Normally, she preferred to be surrounded by her friends, and this new development left her disquieted.

With practiced effort, she clambered up onto the sewage drainpipe, immediately pulling her legs up against her chest and hugging them as she rested her head on her knees. From up there, she had a good view of the valley of wasteland stretching out to eternity before her, and what little breeze there was offset the stench of the raw, green sewage spewing up from the ulcid sphyncter of the abused planet. Nobody came over here willingly. Or, at least, not unless there was a damn good reason to. Warning signs were nailed, tacked, and plastered across every available surface in the surrounding area, accompanied by a cement barrier, all of which discouraged public loitering. She figured the possible ill-health effects were negated by her desire for solitude, so this was where she came to think.

Putting her finger on exactly what was wrong was impossible. It wasn't as though whatever was eating at her was a lone and easily defeated entity. It was nameless, thusfar, though she had a pretty good idea of most of the factors involved. There was, of course, the lieutenant, and everything x0x0 had discussed with her that morning with regard to him. And then, there was the sense of utter isolation from the rest of the population of Blackburne, though it wasn't as though she was actually isolated from anyone, figuratively or literally. The light-devouring orb of abject misery pulsing deep within her was dragging her further and further down into the depths of despair.

There, that was what it was. She was in despair. Only, she didn't know or understand why. She had no good reason to surrender herself to such intense melancholy. She was alive, she had shelter, food, medicine, friends who cared about her... So why this absolute despondency?

On some level, she felt like an outcast. It wasn't as though she didn't get along with everyone, and it wasn't as though anyone was pushing her out into the fringes. It was something in her, tugging her, separating her, isolating her completely. There were times when she felt as though she was standing outside a glass house with her nose pressed against the window, watching everyone inside, even those she was closest to. On the other hand, there were also moments where she was inside the glass house, beating her fists against a locked door in a futile attempt to get outside. She was either one or the other, and malcontent had settled in, making her antsy and impatient in either situation.

And then, there was the lieutenant. She couldn't rightly make heads or tails of him. And that drove her absolutely insane, not being able to understand him. Perhaps that was why she was so fascinated by him - he was a complete enigma to her. He was entirely unpredictable to her, and she had a sinking feeling that she was doing everything horribly wrong all across the board. She strongly suspected that he was already lost to her. Possibly even to himself. He was the enemy, technically, and never in her strangest dreams did she imagine she'd be connoitering with such a person right on the boundary between "us" and "them." But she couldn't get him out of her head, and it made her want to scream until she was mute out of utter frustration.

Another part of her feared him. A lot. Not just because of what his uniform, his choice of career, represented, but of what he, himself, represented to her. She had vowed never to let herself have those kinds of feelings for anyone ever again. And here she was, tied up in knots over him, and had been for weeks. Oh yes, he terrified her entirely.

Feelings of foreboding were also clawing at her. She had some subconscious sense of something sinister on the horizon, slinking slowly closer and spelling disaster for Blackburne. There was no rhyme or reason for it, it was just there. And talking to x0x0 about it earlier in the day hadn't helped her - it had only compounded her anxiety, knowing that someone else felt it, as well. but the only thing she could do was wait and pray, because there was nothing to be done to prevent whatever catastrophe loomed ahead.

Her head hurt. It had been aching a lot in recent days. Tying that pain in with her now-frequent nausea, she felt like a walking plague. But she wasn't sick. She had no other symptoms, and so, she assumed she was just deprived of some vitamin or another. But it was annoying enough to help shove her a little further down into the tar pit of her depression.

Releasing her embrace on her legs, she eased herself back carefully, bringing her arms up behind her head for cushioning. Staring up at the heavy night sky, she sighed, letting all of those thoughts swim through the chaos of her consciousness, too sapped of energy to attempt sorting them out again. Her only hope was that with time, all things would become clear.

The night sky stirred, breathing out a soft breeze to kiss her goodnight, almost as if assuring her that everything would be alright, as she closed her eyes and let sleep seduce her into blissful unconsciousness.

Walkabout With A Cut Lunch

So, I been tryin' to get my head together. Took a couple days to go huntin' out in the wastes, and did my damnedest to keep clear of any 'lliance camps. And anyone else, for that matter. Sometimes a gal just needs some time to think, yanno? Truth be told, though, I ain't sure I'm any better off than when I started.

First off, trustin' anyone in a gorram 'lliance uniform's a gorram mistake. I learned that much. That lieutenant's light years away and laughin' at my gullible ass by now as he sips some high-falutin' drink on some cushy chair with his gorram gold spoon in his hand. Parta' me wants to shove that gold spoon up his rear, but the other part quietly says to chock it up to wishful thinkin' and move along. Thinkin' I might go for middle ground here and shoot him 'f I ever see him 'round here again. He is 'lliance, after all, and he don't have permission from Nack to be roamin' about. Chances are, the bastard's ID'd all us that have good reason to keep under 'lliance radar and transmitted it back to purplebelly headquarters. I really will shoot him if he did. Some folks tried to tell me he'd come back for me, like x0x0 and Neutrino, but I don't see that one happenin', 'less it's with a pair of cuffs and a warrant with my birth name on it. Or, hell, my current name, for that matter. I ain't real popular with the 'lliance as either.

Seein' Aeon last weekend was kinda a shock to my system. Not sure what to do about that. Cuz there's definitely attraction between us. 'least on my end, there is, and I'm assumin' based on the apology he gave me for actin' like he did on Sunday, he ain't exactly not interested, either. But there's a lotta stuff to take into consideration - mundane stuff, if ya catch my drift - and I just dunno if I'm ready to jump into that. It scares me lots. So I still got that to figure out. Cuz I really just dunno what to do.

I'm sure lots's gone on since I been gone. I'll be curious to catch up on the latest happenin's in Blackburne and elsewhere. Wonder if everyone here missed me as much as I missed them.