Refined and Unrefined

Alliance Loyalists attacked Hale's Moon last night. I always seem to be there whenever those bastards show up. They tore us up plenty and took off with a lot of the town's supplies. We're gonna have to scrimp to get everyone by for a while. Or maybe somebody needs to put a Robin Hood job together. I'd love to wreck those bastards, but we don't have enough intel to get our revenge. Yet. Maybe I should tap some of my resources to see what I can turn up.

Got a new fellow in town. Ben Bigboots. Dunno what his story is, 'cept that he's got Bowden's Malady and he's hurtin' somethin' fierce for a reliable supply of Pascaline D. He's the mysterious sort, don't say much, but you can tell he's just sittin' back and takin' it all in, tryin' to figure things out... Who can be trusted, who can't, and the general way of things out on our little rim world. Ain't sure I trust him yet, but his heart seems to be in the right place. The colors don't lie, but I see darkness there, too, and I need to find out what that's about before I'll trust him further than I can throw a piano.

Dunno what he thinks of me. Seems like every time I open my mouth, he gets this bewildered look on his face, like he thought he had me figured, then I turned it upside down on him, and he's gotta start over from scratch. Honestly, I don't rightly know what everyone else thinks of me, either, anymore. I don't even know what to think of me. I came back from the monastery different, and I can't help but reckon people're scratchin' their heads tryin' to figure out whether I've gone bibbledy, or what.

I feel like I'm caught between two selves, the self I've been since I left Persephone, the scrappin', take-no-shit-or-prisoners hellion, and the refined, reserved, well-mannered lady I gotta be as a Companion. I've been slippin' out of the Companion more and more 'round town and more back into my old self. I think it's because nobody in town sees me as a Companion, or because I'm useless as a Companion, except when I'm on the job. Even then, it feels like a lie, because I'm there for information. I turned away from that life of luxury and fancy things and bein' a lady a long time ago. I coulda been happy in it before, but now I know better 'bout a great many things, and I could never be happy sittin' on a pedestal lookin' pretty and watchin' as the world passed me by. I'd rather jump in and be up to my neck in the mess. Ain't sayin' I don't wanna keep on with my assignment, cuz I wouldn't turn my back on the brotherhood, and I've been able to get some valuable intel doin' what I am. Just sayin' that, lookin' back and knowin' now, firsthand, what my life mighta been if I'd stayed, I'm glad things went the way they did. Reckon I just need to find a happy medium between bein' a hellion and a Companion.