In The Black

I sorta understand what x0x0 was talkin' 'bout, bein' out in space. Maybe I ain't psychic like her, but there's somethin' about the vast, silent blackness that quiets your mind. I hope she's okay. Last I heard, she'd run off on that job with that Shadowbroker fellow, and it gave me a right sense of dread. I reckon Neutrino went chasin' after her. Don't surprise me none - them two's entirely twitterpated over eachother. I think, though, Neutrino's too stubborn to admit it to himself, and x0x0... well, she's maybe a little afraid of it. Way I see it, they just need to 'fess up to eachother and have it done, cuz life's too short. I really do hope they're both safe.

Maybe I'm just nervous 'bout all this. My mind's made up, so I know I ain't backin' out of it. I'm just on edge. It almost feels like I'm watchin' myself headin' for a wreck in slow motion. I'm fairly certain I won't survive this, and there's somethin' tellin' me to turn 'round and go home. Maybe it's just the black edgin' in. Ain't a comfortable feelin', I know that much. But if I don't do somethin', I ain't gonna have a home to go back to. If I live through this.

Cap'n card knows somethin's up. You don't survive long in this 'verse by bein' a dum-dum, and he's onna the more perceptive men I ever knew. I can see by the way he looks at me, his eyes searchin' my soul and askin', "What've you got up yer sleeve, little butterfly?" But he won't ask me, I don't reckon. He knows me better'n that. Not straight out, anyway.

He asked me earlier as we was catchin' up if I'd heard 'bout what happened on Hale's Moon. I'm fairly certain he saw it when I told him I had, the images flashin' through my head. As far as he knows, though, I'd been there and knew some of the folks who'd been hurt and killed. He saw me ache deep down, though. He might know me better'n anyone, seein' as how he kinda made me. Ain't like it's romantic, neither. He's like a father to me. And like any good Pa, he knows somethin's up.

I can't get 'em outta my head. Everything keeps replayin' like some video, everything I saw. The Gen, scattered and burnin' across town. Khaz in that real white bed, flat mattress where there shoulda been a leg. Aeon... Aeon in that wheelchair, just starin' at the flames, like I'd never be able to have his arms 'round me again, like I'd never seen him standin' on the deck of the Gen, all cleverness and balls, tough as nails, tryin' to lead a crew of headstrong, crazy women and somehow managin' to do it well.

The gorram 'lliance don't see what they do. They don't know the people whose lives they maim. They don't care, they don't give a rat's ass for us poor bastards on the rim, just so long's we fall in line and let 'em order us all 'round like cattle so they can have their perfect gorram 'verse. They don't gotta look in my eyes and see how hard I'm cryin' as I think about the people I care for, cuz they didn't like 'em havin' different opinions.

It's gotta end. It's gotta. Somewhere, there's a line, and they're tryin' to scuff it out as they dance a jig over it. You can't destroy peoples' lives cuz they don't agree with you in how the 'verse should be. It's not how it works. People are people, and we're all different cuz God wanted variety. The 'lliance wants to stomp out the human spirit. And I'll be damned before I let that happen.

Maybe Cap'n Card knows my game, and maybe he don't. He's the kinda man, though, that understands sometimes you just gotta do somethin'. More'n likely, he'll let me go my way and hope I turn out okay. I sure hope I turn out okay.

's far as the other passengers go, I'm tryin' to keep to myself. The less they 'member 'bout me, the better off we'll all be. They seem pretty content lettin' be be a recluse, and I'm not gonna kick up a fuss over it. But the sooner this trip's over, the better.