An' to think. A month or two ago, I was bored outta my skull. I swear, I'll never complain 'bout havin' nothin' to worry 'bout again, cuz sure as I know the sun rises every day, I know the 'verse's got a sense o' humor, and that it's got no problem givin' you 'zactly what you was wishin' for just to laugh when you realize it was a real bad idea to be wishin' for it. Here I was, worryin' bout how humiliatin' it'd be if'n no one bid on me for the Firefly's employee auction. Silly me.
Wasn't expectin' things to go the way they had. Figured if anyone was gonna bid on me, it'd be Td. Though, truth be told, I reckon there were quite a few surprises that night, and for more'n just me. My bid was won by Duncan Cooperstone, who I'd said all'f twenty-three words to 'fore the auction. Sure, I knew who he was; Man like that, you can't help but notice... But that he'd bid on me? I think I just 'bout fell over from shock. All I kept thinkin' was, "Um. What?" Anyway, long story short, cuz I ain't tryin' to bore nobody with details, him and I talked and've been gettin' to know eachother.
So, seems all hell's broke loose over it. Lily's been actin' different... I'm fair certain she's disappointed Mr. Duncan didn't bid on her. She's been... I dunno, switchin' back and forth 'tween Ben and Xzander, which's really only provokin' both to wanna kill t'other. She asked Duncan to marry her... And she's been treatin' me like i"m some evil tyrant cuz I wanna look out for her well-bein'. I just dont wanna see her hurt or broke. I don't want her to have to live through that I have. She deserves all the happiness in the 'verse. Guess the thing i gotta remember's that she's her own person, and that she's gotta make her own mistakes, just like I did, to learn. So, while I'd like to be able to stand up and protect her at every turn, I gotta sit back and wait for her to either ask for help, or be there to catch her when she falls. We're both new at this business, so I reckon it'lll just take some time to get used to it.
Part of me knew that General was...upset. I ain't proud o' what I done to him, takin' him as a lover and then leavin' him high n' dry when everything happened with Td. To be fair, we'd discussed it 'fore and'd decided we was just what we was, friends who were sleepin' together. He'd told me he was enjoyin' female attention, so I never gave it a second thought, how he might be feeling 'bout me. Lookin' back, I guess I sorta can see what a slap it musta been when Td an' I ended up together - a person in his position'll always wonder, "What's wrong with me? What's he got that I ain't?" it's been festerin' in him for some time now, an' I can see it in his eyes whenever he looks at Td, like he'd like to rip his throat out. Ain't fair, cuz I'm the one who made the choice, not Td.
Anyway, t'other night, Lily'n me'd got into it, an' it all came out, what Lily was frettin' over, how she thought I was gonna run off an' marry Duncan and then Td wouldn't be her dad anymore, an' out odd, little family'd be all broken up. So, I explained to her that I wasn't leavin' Td, and while maybe in another time or place or life, I'd run off with him, I wasn't now and we were just friends. Well, General didn't like that. He was so angry an' I didn't even realize how my words was just another stone thrown, another brick in the wall, another slap 'cross the face, til it was way too late.
I knew... Saw his rage, his sadness channeled into rage, an' I knew in that moment that somethin' in him had broken, that he needed to get it out of himself so it'd stop eatin' him alive. So, I ogot up in his face an' told him to "Say it." From there, things got somewhat buggered. I ain't gettin' into details, cuz them't need to know've either been told or were there. Bottom line was, I was tryin' to make him see I was the one she shoulda been mad at, not Td or Duncan, to get him to unleash his rage in an environment where I felt safe an' comfortable. Maybe I woulda got hurt, but I wouldn'ta got killed, an' it ain't like I never been hurt 'fore. Least that time woulda been to help a friend. But that didn't happen. All't happened was everything there was hurt emotionally, a few physically. General's gone. Dunno when or if he'll be back, but I hope he's alright, wherever he is.
Belize worries me. She's transitioned from hatin' me over Td to bein' fiercely protective of me an' Td an' our relationship. I know she's got a big.... event happenin' this weekend that could go.... badly, but she seems like she's plannin' for the worst, settin' all her affairs in order an' makin' sure things're how she wants 'em in case she.... don't want up. To the point where she seems to be puttin' my happiness 'fore her own, like hers ain't as important as mine. I need to find the right way to tell her't my happiness ain't no more'r less important than anybody else's, an' that she needs to stop sacrificin' herself for the people she cares 'bout. Sometimes, self-sacrifice's a noble thing, an' you gotta do it or live with yerself if you didn't. But she puts more 'fore her in everythin'. An' really, I know she feels like she's standin' in my shadow, which I hate. Belize has brilliant, beautiful light all her own, she just needs the confidence in herself to really shine. She keeps talkin' bout how no men want her, and it makes me wonder if she don't need to change up her advertisin' campaign a bit if'n she wants a man, cuz even as pretty an' smart an' talented an' funny as she is, if she goes 'round tellin' people how she'll never get a man an' all the things that're wrong with her, nobody'll wanna stick 'round to hear 'bout the good parts.
An' then, there's Duncan. Ain't rightly sure what to think of the man. He professed his regard, then backed off, sayin' that I knew an' that I was in his life as a friend was enough for him. He reminds me some of Td, the honor, the integrity, the strength, the intelligence... Okay, a lot of Td. Truth is, I wasn't lyin' when I told Lily "in another time an' place, I'd run off with him." I've only known him a few days, really, but I feel like I've known him forever. Sorta just like Td. But, it ain't like anything can come of it but friendship. And I'm glad to have his friendship, he's a singular man, an' any woman he chose to stand at his side'd be damned lucky.
It occured to me that I gotta lot of people sacrificin' themselves for my happiness. I don't reckon I'm okay with that. Cuz what'm I sacrificin' for them? An' the thing is, we each gotta find out own happiness, no one else can make another person happy. A body's gotta decide for themself whether or not to be happy. I'm responisble for my happiness, Duncan's responsible for his, Belize's responsible for hers, General's responsible for his, and Lily's responsible for hers. Problem is, I dunno how to tell these people I care so much 'bout to stop sacificin' themselves for me. I ain't some kinda goddess, I don't need to be worshipped, and while there're times when self-sacrifice is appropriate and heroic, but there's way more times it ain't.
Everything's just so complicated now. I ain't quite sure how everything's gonna end up, which kinda scares me. Reckon I should just keep on pluggin' away, an' maybe things'll go back to bein' simple sooner or later. A girl can hope, right?
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