Lack of Revelation

I needed some time to myself. After everything that'd happened over the last few weeks... well, it was a lot to be thinkin' on, and I'm only one person.

Duncan left. He was tryin' to do what we both knew was right, what I couldn't do - walk away 'fore we did somethin' we'd regret. I wondered for a minute if it wouldn'ta been easier if he just hadn't said anything 'bout his feelings for me. But, honestly, I'm glad he told me, I'm glad I got to know him, I'm glad he's in my life. Granted, fallin' in love right back with him did sorta throw an epic wrench in everything. But I don't regret any of it for a second, and it ain't like we can take any of it back anyway. But now, he's gone and I'm sorta feelin' lost, cuz there's suddenly this huge, gaping void in my life that wasn't there before, and cuz I know I'm the reason he left.

Then there was that 'lliance doctor that came snoopin' around the medpav Monday night after Belize'd woke me up from whatever gorram tranquilizer she'd given me, and Td'd talked to me and calmed me down. Man came in lookin' for Lily, sayin' his assignment was to study and take samples from our.... what'd he call 'em? Xenomorphs. Basically, our anthro mutants. Anyway, he tried to make Belize a doctor so she could help him, but she refused, even though I could see how bad she wanted to sign them papers. Her and Td started questionin' him, and he said somethin' 'bout his DNA an' brainscan bein' on file, which put the memory of Lieutenant Juniper in my head - I remembered how he had the same kinda thing, how they could clone him... so I asked if he was psychic, and he answered in my head. He was in there pokin' 'round - Thank God Lily didn't tell me where the hell she'd got off to with that Ben - and Td and Bel were still talkin' to him, and next thing I know, Td pulled his rifle and shot him. His mind was still in mine as he lay dyin', I could feel his pain, and he told me in my head he'd be back, then started some sorta uplink to transfer the last 24 hours of his memories to somewhere, presumably to wherever they kept his DNA. SO I started stompin' his skull as I heard the numbers climbin' in my brain.... 15%....20%....25%....

I reckon Td and Bel both thought I'd done my nut, cuz they tried to stop me, but I kept stompin' 'til the uplink stopped with an error. Belize sedated me at Td's insistence. Again. So, I laid there on the floor as everything started goin' fuzzy, and I heard his self-destruct timer goin' in my head, and all I saw was orange, all I could say was "Orange." And they weren't gettin' it. So... Ain't sure how I did it, everything was so confused and all I wanted to do was sleep, but I somehow touched Belize's mind. Dunno if it was me screamin' at her for them to get the hell out, or maybe I showed her what I saw... you'd have to ask her that. Everything went black, and the next thing I know, I'm up in the garden over the medpav with Td and Bel.

Belize slept next to me that night. But I couldn't stop thinkin', and well, my favorite place to think's the Wastes. Sure, I'd wanted to run away and stay there before, but at that point, I'd just wanted to be where everything was simple and there were no colors or voices. So, in the middle of the night, I left. Poor Bel, she probably worried herself half to death the next mornin'.

I came back a few days later, and I thought I'd had my head all together, thought I'd calmed down from bein' in that man's head as he died, thought I'd figured out who I wanted to be with. Everyone was at Firefly's. Well, not everyone, especially not Duncan.... but Td was there... he kept starin' at me, wouldn't take his eyes off of me. I reckon the whole situation with Duncan, knowin' how I feel 'bout both of 'em, and then me runnin' off to the Wastes like I did, probably wonderin' if I was ever comin' back, it maybe unsettled him a bit.

He proposed. Got right down on one gorram knee and everythin' and proposed in front of the whole bar and God and everybody. It was the sweetest thing, I think he was actually sweatin' wonderin' whether I was gonna bolt. Truth be told, I wanted to. Marriage ain't worked out so well for me. Ever. Well, the one time to Aeon, but my engagement to Chris... Just, all of it ended disasterously. I can't bear the thought of losin' Td, too. DOn't reckon he really understands why I'm scared to marry him. But, I said yes... so, we'll see where that gets us. I pray it ain't gonna get us right back to disaster.

Can't've been the happiest moment for Belize. Poor woman looked so torn 'tween cryin' and cheerin'. She's convinced that she's destined to be alone for the rest of her days, but I know it ain't true. Just, the right man ain't come along for her yet. And she's so lonely. Can't help that she's gotta watch her ex and her best friend...

Got a wave from Duncan last night. Guess he heard I'd run off to the Wastes and came back. Went out to comb the gorram desert for me on horseback. Crazy man's gonna get hisself hurt or killed runnin' 'round out there. But I guess he made it back safe. Prol'ly clickin' hot with radiation, but safe. I hope he don't get sick.

So, here I am now. I left again. Got me some business on Persephone, so I shipped out on Merkabah. Least folks know where I am this time. And maybe bein' out in the black'll help me find some clarity that I couldn't find in the Wastes. 'Cuz sure enough, hearin' from Duncan got me all manner of confused all over again.

To tell the truth, I'm sorta terrified. All I can do's think 'bout all these things that've happened recently, and all that does is make me less sure 'bout everything. AIn't quite sure where my head is, but I do know one thing for certain. Everything's changed now. Everything. And it'll never go back to how it used to be. I'll never go back to bein' who I used to be. And it makes me a little sad, and a lot scared, cuz I sure as hell don't know what the future's got in store for me. Usually, a person's at least got an idea 'bout that. But right now, I ain't even got a clue what's gonna happen in the next five minutes.