Sultry [a narrative]

The heat was getting to her. It was sticky and clinging, oppressive and smothering, especially in the bar, where the heat from sweaty bodies mingled with the stifling torridity. Beads of sweat trailed down her torso in rivers, and her perspiration-soaked clothes stuck to her like a second skin. Rising slowly, she ambled out the door into the night, the open air a few degrees cooler, and continued out across the yard of the bar, the hint of a breeze caressing her damp form.

She knew exactly where she was going, even if the sultry heat was sapping her energy, and her steps fell almost instinctively, without her paying one bit of attention to her path. She'd travelled this exact course with a disturbing regularity, because lately, she'd felt compelled to be alone much more than usual - there was an inexplicable barrier between herself and other people, and she frequently found herself bouncing back and forth between detesting human company and longing with all her heart for it. Normally, she preferred to be surrounded by her friends, and this new development left her disquieted.

With practiced effort, she clambered up onto the sewage drainpipe, immediately pulling her legs up against her chest and hugging them as she rested her head on her knees. From up there, she had a good view of the valley of wasteland stretching out to eternity before her, and what little breeze there was offset the stench of the raw, green sewage spewing up from the ulcid sphyncter of the abused planet. Nobody came over here willingly. Or, at least, not unless there was a damn good reason to. Warning signs were nailed, tacked, and plastered across every available surface in the surrounding area, accompanied by a cement barrier, all of which discouraged public loitering. She figured the possible ill-health effects were negated by her desire for solitude, so this was where she came to think.

Putting her finger on exactly what was wrong was impossible. It wasn't as though whatever was eating at her was a lone and easily defeated entity. It was nameless, thusfar, though she had a pretty good idea of most of the factors involved. There was, of course, the lieutenant, and everything x0x0 had discussed with her that morning with regard to him. And then, there was the sense of utter isolation from the rest of the population of Blackburne, though it wasn't as though she was actually isolated from anyone, figuratively or literally. The light-devouring orb of abject misery pulsing deep within her was dragging her further and further down into the depths of despair.

There, that was what it was. She was in despair. Only, she didn't know or understand why. She had no good reason to surrender herself to such intense melancholy. She was alive, she had shelter, food, medicine, friends who cared about her... So why this absolute despondency?

On some level, she felt like an outcast. It wasn't as though she didn't get along with everyone, and it wasn't as though anyone was pushing her out into the fringes. It was something in her, tugging her, separating her, isolating her completely. There were times when she felt as though she was standing outside a glass house with her nose pressed against the window, watching everyone inside, even those she was closest to. On the other hand, there were also moments where she was inside the glass house, beating her fists against a locked door in a futile attempt to get outside. She was either one or the other, and malcontent had settled in, making her antsy and impatient in either situation.

And then, there was the lieutenant. She couldn't rightly make heads or tails of him. And that drove her absolutely insane, not being able to understand him. Perhaps that was why she was so fascinated by him - he was a complete enigma to her. He was entirely unpredictable to her, and she had a sinking feeling that she was doing everything horribly wrong all across the board. She strongly suspected that he was already lost to her. Possibly even to himself. He was the enemy, technically, and never in her strangest dreams did she imagine she'd be connoitering with such a person right on the boundary between "us" and "them." But she couldn't get him out of her head, and it made her want to scream until she was mute out of utter frustration.

Another part of her feared him. A lot. Not just because of what his uniform, his choice of career, represented, but of what he, himself, represented to her. She had vowed never to let herself have those kinds of feelings for anyone ever again. And here she was, tied up in knots over him, and had been for weeks. Oh yes, he terrified her entirely.

Feelings of foreboding were also clawing at her. She had some subconscious sense of something sinister on the horizon, slinking slowly closer and spelling disaster for Blackburne. There was no rhyme or reason for it, it was just there. And talking to x0x0 about it earlier in the day hadn't helped her - it had only compounded her anxiety, knowing that someone else felt it, as well. but the only thing she could do was wait and pray, because there was nothing to be done to prevent whatever catastrophe loomed ahead.

Her head hurt. It had been aching a lot in recent days. Tying that pain in with her now-frequent nausea, she felt like a walking plague. But she wasn't sick. She had no other symptoms, and so, she assumed she was just deprived of some vitamin or another. But it was annoying enough to help shove her a little further down into the tar pit of her depression.

Releasing her embrace on her legs, she eased herself back carefully, bringing her arms up behind her head for cushioning. Staring up at the heavy night sky, she sighed, letting all of those thoughts swim through the chaos of her consciousness, too sapped of energy to attempt sorting them out again. Her only hope was that with time, all things would become clear.

The night sky stirred, breathing out a soft breeze to kiss her goodnight, almost as if assuring her that everything would be alright, as she closed her eyes and let sleep seduce her into blissful unconsciousness.

Walkabout With A Cut Lunch

So, I been tryin' to get my head together. Took a couple days to go huntin' out in the wastes, and did my damnedest to keep clear of any 'lliance camps. And anyone else, for that matter. Sometimes a gal just needs some time to think, yanno? Truth be told, though, I ain't sure I'm any better off than when I started.

First off, trustin' anyone in a gorram 'lliance uniform's a gorram mistake. I learned that much. That lieutenant's light years away and laughin' at my gullible ass by now as he sips some high-falutin' drink on some cushy chair with his gorram gold spoon in his hand. Parta' me wants to shove that gold spoon up his rear, but the other part quietly says to chock it up to wishful thinkin' and move along. Thinkin' I might go for middle ground here and shoot him 'f I ever see him 'round here again. He is 'lliance, after all, and he don't have permission from Nack to be roamin' about. Chances are, the bastard's ID'd all us that have good reason to keep under 'lliance radar and transmitted it back to purplebelly headquarters. I really will shoot him if he did. Some folks tried to tell me he'd come back for me, like x0x0 and Neutrino, but I don't see that one happenin', 'less it's with a pair of cuffs and a warrant with my birth name on it. Or, hell, my current name, for that matter. I ain't real popular with the 'lliance as either.

Seein' Aeon last weekend was kinda a shock to my system. Not sure what to do about that. Cuz there's definitely attraction between us. 'least on my end, there is, and I'm assumin' based on the apology he gave me for actin' like he did on Sunday, he ain't exactly not interested, either. But there's a lotta stuff to take into consideration - mundane stuff, if ya catch my drift - and I just dunno if I'm ready to jump into that. It scares me lots. So I still got that to figure out. Cuz I really just dunno what to do.

I'm sure lots's gone on since I been gone. I'll be curious to catch up on the latest happenin's in Blackburne and elsewhere. Wonder if everyone here missed me as much as I missed them.

In This Case, Maybe It IS Defense Is The Best Offense...

Between my crisis of conscience, an enlightenin' talk with Nack Barnes, gov'ner of Blackburne Downport, and an offer I couldn't refuse from Amyla an' Cholgosh, I've found myself back on Blackburne. Guess some things weren't meant to be - terrorism ain't really my cuppa tea anyway, so I ain't even real upset with my decision.

It was certainly interestin' explainin' I'd temporarily lost my mind to Cap'n Card, but when I told him what I'd been plannin', he said he wouldn't drop me on Osiris - 'nfact, he wouldn't even let me get off The Reverie when we made port. But he did get me a box of chocolate cupcakes. Said he reckoned they'd help with my Uncle Grouchy visitin' or somesuch nonsense. As much as the man hates the 'lliance, I was real surprised when he told me to get on back home where I belonged. He's a good man. Said he was glad I finally found a place in the 'verse.

From what I heard from Nack, it sorta sounds as though the 'lliance is gearin' up for a second round of war, what with continuin' to attack Hale's Moon. He said that was how the last war started, and he's advisin' everyone he meets to start stockin' up on ammo and food. But basically, he made a comment 'bout not directly attackin' 'em to give 'em a reason to attack us - instead, we should all be preparin' for the day when the 'lliance comes back so we can break their teeth. Made lots of sense. It hit me real hard, how I kept flounderin' over what I was gonna do on the central planets to attack 'em, cuz some part of me knew it was wrong. Whereas, if the 'lliance showed up on Blackburne lookin' for a fight, I wouldn't hesitate to kill every one of 'em. Guess it's the difference between bein' a hired soldier and someone protectin' what's theirs - the hired soldier don't go that conviction, they're just followin' orders.

As for Amy an' Chol... Well, it's somethin' I've wanted for a good long while now, and I couldn't say no. Prol'ly'll be sorta awkward startin' out, mainly mostly for me, cuz I'm worried 'bout boundaries. I'm sure it'll pass with time and experience. We'll have to see where it goes.

On the whole, I gotta say I'm glad to be home. There's a little part of me that's sad over not stickin' it to the 'lliance, but that part's just gonna have to deal with it. Makes more sense to do things this way.

Waves Home (A Message)

Amyla,

Right now, you're prol'ly wonderin' where in the world I got off to. You might even know. More'n likely, you know, cuz you got this way of seein' in my head and knowin' what I'm gonna do 'fore I do. I just hope you ain't angry with me, though I'd understand if you are.

I can't put details 'bout what I'm doin'. You know that. All I know is, I'm havin' second thoughts 'bout this whole thing - they got friends and family, too, misguided as they all are, and I'd become somethin' like 'em if I gave 'em what they gave us. On the other hand, I gotta do somethin'. It'll keep goin' on, they'll just keep plowin' through us 'til they get to Blackburne and instead of Aeon and Str8 and Khaz, it'll be you and Chol and Nack and Laure and Lorie and everyone else we care 'bout. I gotta stop it. I gotta send 'em a message that says, "Leave us alone," or "We won't tolerate this!" I just ain't figured out how yet.

Please don't hate me over this. It's somethin' I gotta do, it's part of who I am, and I couldn't live with myself if I stood by and watched my friends get destroyed.

I hope you're well, and Chol. Take care of that babe and try not to get in too much trouble. I miss you all.

All my love,
Immy

In The Black

I sorta understand what x0x0 was talkin' 'bout, bein' out in space. Maybe I ain't psychic like her, but there's somethin' about the vast, silent blackness that quiets your mind. I hope she's okay. Last I heard, she'd run off on that job with that Shadowbroker fellow, and it gave me a right sense of dread. I reckon Neutrino went chasin' after her. Don't surprise me none - them two's entirely twitterpated over eachother. I think, though, Neutrino's too stubborn to admit it to himself, and x0x0... well, she's maybe a little afraid of it. Way I see it, they just need to 'fess up to eachother and have it done, cuz life's too short. I really do hope they're both safe.

Maybe I'm just nervous 'bout all this. My mind's made up, so I know I ain't backin' out of it. I'm just on edge. It almost feels like I'm watchin' myself headin' for a wreck in slow motion. I'm fairly certain I won't survive this, and there's somethin' tellin' me to turn 'round and go home. Maybe it's just the black edgin' in. Ain't a comfortable feelin', I know that much. But if I don't do somethin', I ain't gonna have a home to go back to. If I live through this.

Cap'n card knows somethin's up. You don't survive long in this 'verse by bein' a dum-dum, and he's onna the more perceptive men I ever knew. I can see by the way he looks at me, his eyes searchin' my soul and askin', "What've you got up yer sleeve, little butterfly?" But he won't ask me, I don't reckon. He knows me better'n that. Not straight out, anyway.

He asked me earlier as we was catchin' up if I'd heard 'bout what happened on Hale's Moon. I'm fairly certain he saw it when I told him I had, the images flashin' through my head. As far as he knows, though, I'd been there and knew some of the folks who'd been hurt and killed. He saw me ache deep down, though. He might know me better'n anyone, seein' as how he kinda made me. Ain't like it's romantic, neither. He's like a father to me. And like any good Pa, he knows somethin's up.

I can't get 'em outta my head. Everything keeps replayin' like some video, everything I saw. The Gen, scattered and burnin' across town. Khaz in that real white bed, flat mattress where there shoulda been a leg. Aeon... Aeon in that wheelchair, just starin' at the flames, like I'd never be able to have his arms 'round me again, like I'd never seen him standin' on the deck of the Gen, all cleverness and balls, tough as nails, tryin' to lead a crew of headstrong, crazy women and somehow managin' to do it well.

The gorram 'lliance don't see what they do. They don't know the people whose lives they maim. They don't care, they don't give a rat's ass for us poor bastards on the rim, just so long's we fall in line and let 'em order us all 'round like cattle so they can have their perfect gorram 'verse. They don't gotta look in my eyes and see how hard I'm cryin' as I think about the people I care for, cuz they didn't like 'em havin' different opinions.

It's gotta end. It's gotta. Somewhere, there's a line, and they're tryin' to scuff it out as they dance a jig over it. You can't destroy peoples' lives cuz they don't agree with you in how the 'verse should be. It's not how it works. People are people, and we're all different cuz God wanted variety. The 'lliance wants to stomp out the human spirit. And I'll be damned before I let that happen.

Maybe Cap'n Card knows my game, and maybe he don't. He's the kinda man, though, that understands sometimes you just gotta do somethin'. More'n likely, he'll let me go my way and hope I turn out okay. I sure hope I turn out okay.

's far as the other passengers go, I'm tryin' to keep to myself. The less they 'member 'bout me, the better off we'll all be. They seem pretty content lettin' be be a recluse, and I'm not gonna kick up a fuss over it. But the sooner this trip's over, the better.

Waitin' On My Ride

Cinco de Mayo came and went. Once upon a time on Earth That Was, it was the Mexican independence day. Don't rightly remember where I picked that up, but it kept blazin' through my mind last night. They fought a war, too, but I reckon they won, seein' as how they had their own independence day. We lost, so we got Unification Day.

How do you fight a war's already been lost? I was too young to fight in it, hell, I was too young to understand it. I ain't now, and I wish to God I coulda been there. Maybe one more woulda made a difference. More'n likely not, but at least I woulda been fightin' for somethin' I believed in.

But the war ain't over. Sure, there's no armies marchin' across fields of battle, but there's still a war. Gorram 'lliance says it's won, comin' 'round and tellin' folk how to live, how to think - meddlin' where they got no business doin' so - but they still act like they're in a war when they send teams of op'ratives to blow up ships and kill people. And they ain't won at all. There's still a spark here and there, there's still life in the cause. People won't lay down and die, no matter what the outcome of the damn war was. I know I ain't.

I made all my arrangements. Got in contact with The Lone Reverie - Cap'n Card's makin' out alright and so's the crew. They got a few new faces, he said on his wave, but they were survivin'. I hate lyin' to the man - he gave me everything - but I don't want 'em dragged into this if things go south for me. The less anybody knows, the better. I told him things had got hot and I needed a lift in a bad way - reckoned I'd try campin' out on one of the core planets for a bit, seein' as how nobody in their right mind'd look for me there. Pretty sure he bought it. The man taught me about subterfuge, so he may well see clean through me. I reckon he'd try and help me if he knew, cuz if anyone hates the 'lliance, it's him. But he's got a good thing goin' and a crew needin' watchin' out for, so I can't be lettin' him take those risks. 'Sides. This is my rampage.

I figured on goin' to Osiris first. I can spend some time gatherin' information, get the lay of the land, and figure out how to go 'bout firin' the first shot. I'd do some more plannin' here, but I can't be sure how close the feds watch the nets, and I don't want nothin' leadin' back here. So maybe it's like marchin' into Parliament armed with a huntin' rifle and a sketchy plan to end my life in a blaze of glory, but not so much. I plan to be careful. Said I wouldn't mind dyin' fightin' for what I believe in, but I sure as hell'd rather live through it so I can enjoy my freedom in the end.

I arranged my affairs, though. Made certain if anythin' happened to me, my friends'd know, and they'd be taken care of. I couldn't just leave it, cuz then the folks I care about'd prol'ly never know or understand what happened. I couldn't do that, 'specially not to Amyla. She won't understand anyway, and I know she'd try and stop me if she knew what I was plannin'. She's browncoat enough in her heart, but she's got so many ties to the 'lliance, and she's a pacifist on so many levels. Ain't sayin' she wouldn't pick up arms and do her damnedest to wreck the 'lliance if the right set of circumstances came up, but these ain't the right circumstances, and until they crop up, she ain't gonna understand why I gotta do this.

The Reverie's scheduled to dock tonight. Cap'n Card's just throwin' down anchor long enough for me to stow my stuff, and we're gone. We'll prol'ly stop over on Persephone for food and fuel, maybe see if he can't pick up a few passengers and a job. I'm hopin' it'll look like I got picked up there, just some transient worker. Ain't holdin' my breath, and ain't settin' foot off the boat while we're there. My luck, I'd run into my Pa or Christopher, and that'd be a fine wrench to throw in a sensitive engine.

For now, I'm waitin'. Kinda nervous, kinda anxious. Some small partta me's beggin' to stay, to go buy a place on Blackburne and live out my life there, not get involved with this mess. But I don't hold with bein' a coward. I can't. Those were my friends on Hale's Moon. And eventually, it'll end up in Blackburne, and my friends, my family, they'll have to suffer the same. I won't let that happen. So I'll just keep waitin' til my ride gets here.

They Won't Get Away With This

'lliance pursuit suddenly dropped on me. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why, except that either my craftiness had given 'em the slip, or that they found a bigger fish to fry. I wasn't countin' on the former, but I took a chance on the latter and caught a transport home. Seems they did find a bigger fish.

It was unreal, the destruction. Hale's Moon's still burnin', bits of flamin' debris is still scattered across the town. From the sketchy stories I got, seems like the 'lliance hit the town hard with a team of operatives, shootin' the place up, then blowin' up the ships, includin' the Gen. I don't understand, but I don't need to.

I stood by the beds of the Cap'n and Khaz, their still forms helpless beneath white sheets, tubes runnin' out of 'em in every which direction, steady, monotonous beepin' about the only thing tellin' me they were alive. Why'd this happen? Why're my friends and family, the people I care about, havin' to suffer this? I don't understand, but I don't need to. I don't even think I want to. 'Cuz that would mean I'd have to understand the sick minds of the 'lliance. Don't rightly know if I wanna know those bastards that well.

The 'lliance went too far this time. Dunno who issued the order to attack, and part of me don't really care. 's far as I'm concerned, the whole gorram government and any who side with 'em's responsible. Though, there's a little part of me that wouldn't mind comin' face to face with the insufferable asshole who made the decision, just so's I could give him a little bitta insight on what my crew, what the people on Hale's Moon, had to experience.

My mind's made up. Even if I gotta spend the rest of my life on the lam, even if the rest of my life consists of a week cuz of it, I'm gettin' revenge. Don't rightly care at this point what 'lliance civilians get hurt in the process of me retaliatin', cuz those civilians choose to live under that crackpot gov'ment, they choose to let this kinda thing happen, so to my way of thinkin', they partially to blame. Maybe it'll stir 'em outta that gorram grand fantasy they all live in and let 'em see the ugly side of reality. Maybe it'll just make 'em hate us more. Thing is, I won't let us sit back and let 'em stomp us into ashes.

Maybe God'll be mad at me, and maybe I'll burn in hell, but doin' nothin' sits even worse on my conscience than takin' vengeance for hurtin' good folk. I think God'll understand why I gotta do this. Maybe he'll even help, and maybe he agrees that it's about time someone wanted to show the 'lliance that humanity won't lay down and die, we won't succumb to their evil way of thinkin'. Maybe revenge is wrong, but sittin' around with yer thumb up yer ass while you wait in terror for people like that to decide to kill you ain't right either. People got a God-given right to freedom and to protect their own.

I'm just goin' by my conscience and firin' back in hopes it'll send a message to the gorram 'lliance. I want them to take one look at what I'm doin' and know I'm sayin, "It's an eye for an eye 'verse - what you do to me, I do back to you. So, let's just ignore eachother 'til we go away." They might be evil men, but we're naughty men (and women), and while they got superior technology, they ain't defendin' their homes and families and way of life like we are. That makes us more dangerous than all the superior technology in the 'verse. If I die defendin' what's mine, I won't be too upset. But I'll be damned sure I take as many of those bastards with me as I can. And when we all come face to face with God, it'll be me standin' there knowin' I did what I knew to be right, and them knowin' what they did was wrong. And I can live with that. Well, in a figurative kinda way.