Conundrums

Romance ain't somethin' I'm partial to. My first (major) relationship ended so disasterously that I wound up driftin' through space for ten years. My second one ended in divorce, with me runnin' off to a monastery. I knew, even before Aeon, that romance wasn't somethin' that was for me, but I gave it a shot anyway. It's one of the reasons I was willin' to pose as a Companion... they don't get attached. It's about business. Sure, it's a damned lonely existence, but I'd come to terms with the fact that I'll be alone for the rest of my life anyway, and bein' alone tends to work better for me. I'm not opposed to takin' lovers, but anyone who's interested in me for more, I'd end up hurtin' badly. That's the last thing I want.

So, given all that, how in the hell did it happen, and what do I do about it? Td and I've been friends for a while now, stayed friends after him and Belize broke up. And while I've always been attracted to him, I never reckoned on us bein' anything other than friends, given how tore up Belize was over him, given how many women're chasin' after him, given that I value his friendship and don't want to mess that up with somethin' silly like romance, and given that I'm fair certain I'm destined to stay single. Sure, I flirt with him, but I flirt with anything that moves. So, really, how'd it happen?

Guess I always carried a bit of a torch for him, but I always knew nothin' could ever come of it, and I was okay with that. But in the last few weeks, he's been... Well, he's been askin' me to dance at the bar. And then he asked me on a date. A few nights ago, he busted out the dreaded "L" word.

Does it make me a horrible person for agreein' to date my friend's ex? Am I a horrible person for bein' attracted to my friend's ex? The situation with him and Belize was complicated, especially after I got mixed in, but I walked away before they ended it hopin' that maybe by doin' so, they could save their relationship. I know she thinks he left her for me, but he didn't. He had his own set of reasons, and honestly, I can't blame the man for cuttin' loose. I was there as he agonized over hurtin' her and as she wept over losin' him, as a friend for both of 'em... But he wasn't the only one who saw the change in her, and while I empathize with her and think I have a pretty good idea of what was goin' on in her head, I also know he did what was probably the best for both of 'em, cuz in the end, neither of 'em was happy with eachother for their own various reasons. And after that, they had a major fallin' out. I know that while part of her despises and resents him, another part of her still loves him, even if there's no way they'll ever get back together. There's still this part of me that feels rotten over what's goin' on now, but it ain't like any of this was intended.

So, horrible person or not, I went on a date with him. It was nice, a lot of fun, both of us all decked out in frippery. He took me to a bar and we danced. And danced. And danced. Then, he told me he knew who I was. My birth name, and origin. Did it in a way that made me realize he'd never in his life betray me, but it still scares the hell outta me that someone knows. Anyway, after that, he took me back to Blackburne and dropped me off at the bar.

There've been serious words spoken about hearts and love. Ain't like we're plannin' a wedding, cuz Lord knows I'd bolt if that ever got brought up. But he wants to take me out again. He wants to give it a go, try to see if we work out as more'n friends. And deep down, I want to try. Maybe I hate myself for it for Belize, but God help me, I want to try. But there's also the part of me that doesn't want love like that, that isn't willin' to take chances like that ever again, that doesn't want to get my heart broke all over again. And there's that part of me that cherishes his friendship and doesn't wanna ruin it and lose him over romance.

I'm so confused over all of it. I dunno what to do. All I know is, my heart says one thing and my head says another. Any time he's around, my knees start feelin' like they're gonna buckle, and I act a fool. Like when I took a burst to the chest on Hale's the other night durin' the Loyalists' attack - I wouldn't let him see my wounds, I didn't want him fussin' over me, and mostly, I didn't want him to see how much pain I was in. I'm like that with everyone, really, but it's worse with him. Like it'd be the end of the damned world if he saw me vulnerable or somethin'. And that's just stupid. I hate that he has that effect on me. And I hate that I feel like that 'bout someone, even someone who's worthy of it. And I hate that my heart wants to dash off into the sunset with him, but my head knows this'll only end in disaster. And I hate not knowin' what to do. Cuz right now, I'm torn 'tween throwin' myself into his arms and runnin' like hell.

Reckon I should just let it play out, see what happens. One way or another, one day, Belize'll come back from wherever she's got off to with that cousin of hers, and she'll hate me. Ain't much I can do to change that fact. But I think she already does hate me, so it don't change much anyway. Other'n that... Guess it'll work out or it won't. I just don't wanna lose him as a friend. Or have my heart broken for the third time.

Refined and Unrefined

Alliance Loyalists attacked Hale's Moon last night. I always seem to be there whenever those bastards show up. They tore us up plenty and took off with a lot of the town's supplies. We're gonna have to scrimp to get everyone by for a while. Or maybe somebody needs to put a Robin Hood job together. I'd love to wreck those bastards, but we don't have enough intel to get our revenge. Yet. Maybe I should tap some of my resources to see what I can turn up.

Got a new fellow in town. Ben Bigboots. Dunno what his story is, 'cept that he's got Bowden's Malady and he's hurtin' somethin' fierce for a reliable supply of Pascaline D. He's the mysterious sort, don't say much, but you can tell he's just sittin' back and takin' it all in, tryin' to figure things out... Who can be trusted, who can't, and the general way of things out on our little rim world. Ain't sure I trust him yet, but his heart seems to be in the right place. The colors don't lie, but I see darkness there, too, and I need to find out what that's about before I'll trust him further than I can throw a piano.

Dunno what he thinks of me. Seems like every time I open my mouth, he gets this bewildered look on his face, like he thought he had me figured, then I turned it upside down on him, and he's gotta start over from scratch. Honestly, I don't rightly know what everyone else thinks of me, either, anymore. I don't even know what to think of me. I came back from the monastery different, and I can't help but reckon people're scratchin' their heads tryin' to figure out whether I've gone bibbledy, or what.

I feel like I'm caught between two selves, the self I've been since I left Persephone, the scrappin', take-no-shit-or-prisoners hellion, and the refined, reserved, well-mannered lady I gotta be as a Companion. I've been slippin' out of the Companion more and more 'round town and more back into my old self. I think it's because nobody in town sees me as a Companion, or because I'm useless as a Companion, except when I'm on the job. Even then, it feels like a lie, because I'm there for information. I turned away from that life of luxury and fancy things and bein' a lady a long time ago. I coulda been happy in it before, but now I know better 'bout a great many things, and I could never be happy sittin' on a pedestal lookin' pretty and watchin' as the world passed me by. I'd rather jump in and be up to my neck in the mess. Ain't sayin' I don't wanna keep on with my assignment, cuz I wouldn't turn my back on the brotherhood, and I've been able to get some valuable intel doin' what I am. Just sayin' that, lookin' back and knowin' now, firsthand, what my life mighta been if I'd stayed, I'm glad things went the way they did. Reckon I just need to find a happy medium between bein' a hellion and a Companion.

He knows my name...

It's been so hectic lately. Hasn't been much time to stop and reflect on anything. What with the bots attacking town openly, and now the gorram Alliance Loyalists attacking Hale's Moon.... My focus keeps ending up at one thought, though. That he knows my name.

It's been eleven years since I was her, since I ran like hell. Nobody's put two and two together in eleven years. Guess the Reverie did a better job on me than I ever coulda hoped. I hadn't even thought about back then, about him, in such a long time. Just one of those things that gets pushed aside in the midst of life.

And then, I was in his arms, and he said my name, and the world dropped out from under me. I gotta wonder how he found out. Did he want to find out more about me, or just run across an old wanted bulletin on the cortex and recognize the eleven-years younger me? God, he knew so much. What I was, who my family was... and my name.

Dunno if I'll get over this. At least it's somethin' to distract me from the bullet holes.