Rovin' Thoughts

I keep hearin' reports from Downing. I feel wretched, cuz I'm too chickenshit to go help. Part of it's my history there and my desire for self-preservation kickin' in, but also, I cant' seem to stop thinkin' 'bout what x0x0 said 'bout Reavers and slaughter there. Is there really gonna be some kinda attack on Downin'? x0 said Amy'd make it back from there fine. Me and Chol, though, wouldn't. I know some people think she's crazy... but she's been right before. I trust her. Cuz I ain't willin' to stake my life on her bein' crazy, but also cuz I'm fairly certain she don't mean no harm - she's tryin' to help.

I think x0x0's sorta like me - she belongs here, but she don't feel like she fits in. I know the feelin' well, and it ain't no picnic. It's lonely as hell. 'ventually, you start wonderin' why you even bother showin' up. And then, there's the agitation, the need to constantly be anywhere but where you are at the moment. I've been like that recently. And I seen it in her. I wanna help her, I wanna reassure her... but I feel the same way, and ain't nothin' I heard so far's made me feel a damn bit different.

I been talkin' a lot lately with Neutrino. 'specially when I'm upset. He seems to sense it, then tracks me down when I storm off toward my sewage pipe. 's funny, I normally don't wanna be 'round anyone when I'm like that, cuz most folks don't understand that it's a process I gotta go through to get where I'm okay with things. But Neut seems to understand I gotta go through all that, and don't try and force me out of my funks. He just talks and relates. And it helps, by God. He's a real insightful man. And a real good friend. I wish I could return the favor to him somehow. I'd like to see him happy, and I suspect that's only gonna happen when him an' x0x0 finally stop bein' stubborn and skeptical and realize they're totally in love with eachother.

And speakin' of... The lieutenant invited me on his ship. Twice. I feel weird goin' there, bein' as that it's a gorram 'lliance ship - like somehow I'm turnin' traitor or somethin'. But I ain't. He knows I'm browncoat through and through, and he knows I wouldn't hesitate to shoot him 'f he ever did anything to harm anyone on my side. But, I can't even rightly say what's goin' on there. He acted like we was old friends, like we hadn't... Well, he was a gentleman, to say the least. And he told me he thought we shouldn't... how'd he put it? We should act like we don't really know eachother 'round other people, for both our protection. Seems to think people here'll start thinkin' I'm turnin' traitor, which, I don't see happenin', cuz everyone here knows I'm as brown as ya get. But I understand for his sake, cuz if the 'lliance sees he's makin' friends with Independents, it could cause lotsa trouble for him. So, I'll play along and act like I don't know him from Adam when there's other people 'round. I think it makes it easier for me 'f I refer to him as 'the lieutenant' than as his name. Makes him less... personable. Makes whatever's between us seem more formal and distanced. Which's maybe better for me anyway. 'Cuz I honestly don't see him leavin' the 'lliance. They got him partly brainwashed, and even though I know he wants to tell 'em to go get stuffed and settle down in some small, quiet town like Blackburne, but he won't never do it. I'm prol'ly foolin' myself thinkin' anything of him. But, well, I am.

He tried givin' me food yesterday. And vitamins. I told him I ain't been real hungry lately. Which's true. The nausea makes it hard to get a good appetite up. 'specially when my last few meals've come right back up. But I talked to Chol and Amy 'bout it, and Chol says it's more'n likely the radiation gettin' to me. They both said it'll pass as my body adapts to it. Hope I adapt quick, this feelin' like I got the plague ain't doin' wonders for my mood. But yeah, not so sure I'm comfortable takin' food from the lieutenant... Dunno why. Just feels weird. Wrong. Somethin'. Maybe it's just 'cuz it's 'lliance supplies.

Guess I should be gettin' off here and tryin' to find Amy. Looks to be a pretty low-key night, which's good. Hopefully nothin' nasty'll show up and wreck the relaxation. But if it does, we'll be ready to shoot it into a bullet-riddled, twitchin' pile of hamburger meat... 'cuz that's what we do.