Damn my sentimentality. Damn me. Damn everything. All I had to do was sneak in, get what I was after, and sneak out. Cake, right? Yeah. Woulda been, for someone not me. Hell, I shoulda hired someone else to do it. But no, I thought I could do it my own self. Stupid.
When I was a girl, I had this locket my Ma’d given me that her Ma’d given her and so on and so forth, back through history, presumably all the way back to Earth That Was. I always thought it was magical, and I’d always cherished it with all my heart. Thought I was some kinda gorram princess when I wore it. Anyway, it had some pretty deep sentimental value. When I ran off from home, I left it there, in its hiding place. Didn’t want to so much, but it wasn’t as though I had a whole load of time to grab things. It was more Ma shovin’ a sack of a clothes and food and a handful of credits at me and frantically whisperin’ for me to get the hell off planet ‘fore Pa found me.
You’re prol’ly askin’ yourself, now why would this damned fool woman risk her life for a silly gorram locket, sentimental value or no? It’s a valid question. Maybe one I shoulda been askin’ myself a time or three million ‘fore I set off on this damned fool trip. Maybe I did ask myself, but, well, I ain’t exactly been what you’d call completely sane here lately, so rationality ain’t a thing I’d’ve listened to anyway. Plus, I had my own compellin’ reason to get it back.
Reckon I coulda done it and got away without anyone bein’ the wiser. Ain’t like my folks lived in some swank estate with alarms or guards. No, I grew up on a little farm, in a little house with my folks and my brothers. I knew every inch of that house by heart, that the third step up to the bedrooms squeaked, that there was a bad patch of floor by the wall near the door, that the kitchen floor creaked no matter how you walked. It hadn’t changed much in the eleven years I’d been gone. Most of my brothers were grown and out on their own. I reckoned the youngest two, maybe three, were still there, finishin’ schoolin’ and helpin’ out ‘round the farm.
The nostalgia hit me as I was casin’ the house. I had so many memories of that house, of my Ma, my brothers. I remembered how Ma’d always felt sympathy for me, bein’ the only girl in a house full of boys, how I was the only one’t had to learn all the decorum and manners and stupid female pastimes – cross stitch, piano, dulcimer, singin’, paintin’, drawin’, cookin’, fashion, readin’ so as to appear intelligent, sittin’ quietly lookin’ pretty… the list could go on forever – and she’d let me run and play with my brothers when my Pa wasn’t ‘round. Mostly, we played Alliance and Independents. Sometimes, it was Cops and Robbers. But, no matter what we played, it was always fun. Nobody ever snitched on me, my brothers and me were close. Hell, bein’ the oldest, I’d helped raise most of ‘em. But we all knew I was the one who had to get married off to some rich man so Pa could make a goodly ‘mount of money off of me.
Reckon that’s why I’d had seven brothers. Pa kept hopin’ he’d get some more girls he could sell off to make his life a little easier, bring him up in the world a little more. Reckon it’s why he was such a hardass when it came to me. Older I got, the more boy my Ma kept poppin’ out, and the more it fell to me to make him a small fortune. Ain’t like my Ma’d taken any issue with havin’ so many babies – she’s Catholic and believes in bein’ as prolific as possible, in the most literal sense.
Anyway, I got in the house just fine. Pa never did mend that broken lock on the window in the back. I skipped the third step, and made sure to step to the very left of the seventh one as I made my way upstairs. Walked down the hall, into my old room. What a shock for me to see I now had a little sister. She was prol’ly seven or eight and was just a spittin’ image of me as a child, a halo of blonde hair framin’ her cherubic face. I stood there for the longest time just starin’ at her. Guess Pa’d finally got his wish. Poor kid. I hate to think what she’s got in store for her future, trained from birth to look like a doll and act like a pretty lapdog for some rich bastard to tote ‘round on his arm like some kinda trophy.
Even bein’ from a poor family, I’d been considered a prize ‘cuz of my looks. I don’t say it outta arrogance; more to explain how a poor farm girl came up in Persephone society and attracted the attention of a man like Mr. Christopher Barnett. He was beautiful. Young, handsome, romantic, charismatic, actin’ all chivalrous… everything a young woman wants in a future husband. When he began payin’ court to me, Lord but there was a stir ‘mongst all the other young ladies. I was hated for catchin’ his eye, but I didn’t care ‘cuz I had what I wanted. I let myself fall in love with him, and it came real near to destroyin’ me… but lookin’ back, I don’t reckon I’d change any of it, cuz I’d rather be who I am now than some arm candy trophy wife. So, I didn’t envy this kid, whoever she was, ‘cuz chances were, she wouldn’t get lucky like I did and escape it all.
I pulled up the loose floorboard and retrieved my locket, which’d been taped to the bottom side of the floor near the back. Surprised me that little girl hadn’t found it. Or maybe she had but’d left the locket there, like buried treasure that she was guardin’. I was walkin’ back down the hall when it hit me. I wanted to see my ma. Couldn’t say why, ‘cept that shed always been so good to me, she’d always loved me. I reckon everything good in my came from her. So I stood in the doorway and watched ‘em sleep – my folks. Kept thinkin’ ‘bout how things mighta been different. And that’s when I heard the hammer cock. Damn.
Reckon my dear old Pa’s a mite lighter sleeper these days’n he was when I was doin’ all my sneakin’ out as a teenager. Or maybe God has a sense of humor and woke his ass up at just the wrong moment. Either way, it spelled major disaster for me, all thanks to my sentimental nature.
He didn’t recognize me at first. Or at second. Ten years surely does change a person. I ran away a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl with proper manners and the last vestiges of baby fat still in place to make me look healthy. Now, I was this black-haired… and God only knew what color my eyes were at that moment, unrefined woman with a body that spoke of hard, manual labor and exotic dancin’. ‘Course, the old man wouldn’t recognize me, I wasn’t in some silly frippery with frills and frocks, and his oldest child was ‘bout the last person he expected to be silhouetted in his bedroom doorway at three in the mornin’.
But Ma knew me. She maybe even knew ‘fore Pa had her turn the light on. Maternal instinct bein’ what it is makes it so you can’t not recognize your own child, your own flesh and blood, and I saw in her eyes that she knew. But she held her silence, presumably just in case her damned fool husband didn’t make the connection. So, I was left with the decision as to which name to use.
It was a conundrum, all right. I could hope my dear old Pa wouldn’t recognize his own kid after eleven years and use the name I’d adopted, the identity I’d become to try and smooth talk my way outta the situation, and possibly get turned into the Alliance for the reward on my head as Imrhien Fargis. Or, I could own up to my real name and hope he’d take pity on me and let me go… Not likely, so, it’d prol’ly be more like him handin’ his own daughter over to the Feds for the price on my head as his kid. Or he’d do like he intended when I was 18 and sell me off into slavery. Or he’d hand me over to Christopher, who more’n likely had his own price on my head. Either way, either name, spelled big problems for me, really. The only question was, did I want to risk my alias bein’ blown? No. cuz he could still recognize me after I’d given it, or someone else coulda, and then I’d have to start all over runnin’, and I’d never be able to go back home or see the people who’d become my family.
I didn’t even address him. I just looked at my mother, the woman who’d given me life, morals, religion, who’d understood who I was even if I didn’t, and said “Mama, I’ve missed you.” My Pa blinked. Ma frowned. I reckon she didn’t think much of me ‘fessin’ up right off. I could see her thinkin’. I could see her tryin’ to decide whether to run and embrace me, or deny I was her daughter. The cool, healthy green of her aura was clouded, thrummin’ with muddled colors of indecision and emotion, reds and oranges and blues and browns and blacks. I nodded to her, almost unperceivably, to let her know it was all right.
She said my name. “Alexandra.” From her, it was almost like a blessin’. The name was so foreign to my ears anymore that it mighta been. Only one who’d said it to me in the last eleven years was Td, who’d figured me out. ‘Course it’d be appropriate at a time like this to think of him, then to think of Duncan. I wondered if I’d ever see either of ‘em again, or anyone else I loved, like Belize, Lily, Sabrina, Seana, Lorie, Nack, Lauralai, Amyla, Cholgosh, General, Alison, Gray, x0x0, Neutrino… The list went on and on for miles. After I didn’t show up back home in a few days, they’d all know somethin’ happened, and they’d maybe come lookin’ for me, but by then, it’d be too late.
Pa got up outta the bed, revolver still aimed dead on me, and walked toward me, almost like he was inspectin’ me. I could see that mind workin’, and I wasn’t likin’ the ideas I was seein’ there. He smiled, and it was this cold, almost evil smile, ‘fore he spoke. Gave me chills to hear his voice, like somethin’ bein’ dragged over gravel. “Well, well, well, Alexandra MacLaren. ‘Bout time you showed up back home.”
Oh yeah. I was in deep trouble.
4.3.09
3.3.09
Like Dust In Space
It's been so long since I been out in the black for an extended period of time that it's takin' some gettin' used to. Already, part of me's wishin' I'd taken Serendipity 'steada Merkabah... but I chose Merkabah just in case. Serendipity's a gorram luxury boat. Sorta. Well, she's got nice interiors, anyway. It'd be a mite more comfortable than my gorram Starfury, in any case. But, I ain't goin' on a pleasure cruise, and comfort wasn't on my list of requirements for the ship I took. Merkabah's small, light, fast as hell, weaponized, and I fly her pretty well for a leaf in a tornado. Serendipity? Well, she turns 'bout as well as a pregnant cow, and she's 'bout as fast as a herd of snails stampeding through a field of peanut butter. And for what I was plannin', I needed somethin' small and fast and weaponized. Just in case.
Kept thinkin' 'bout things. Not that it was anything new for me, but the difference is, there's somethin' 'bout the black that puts a spin on your head so you ain't always focused on the same things.
I thought a good bit on the Lone Reverie. Where she was, whether her crew was still together, what they were all up to. I spent so long on that boat, 'round all of 'em, and they had such a huge impact on my life, but I ain't hardly thought 'bout 'em in a coon's age. Funny, that. Then I started thinkin' 'bout what they'd say 'bout my current predicament... Honestly, they'd prol'ly laugh and tease me 'bout the girl from Persephone society comin' back and takin' over for the badass little hellion they helped me become. Then Card'd tell me to go my own way and leave 'em bnoth in the dust. 'Course, Card always was sort of a surrogate father figure to me, so he never did think any man was good 'nough. Reckon he'd like Td and Duncan well 'nough, though.
I miss them. I miss everyone. Sometimes, I feel like all I'm made up of are my memories of the people I love, like if I got amnesia and couldn't remember anyone, I'd just vanish. I am what I've been made. By my Ma and my Pa. By Christopher, the knave. By the Alliance. By Card and his crew. By all the folks on Blackburne. By all the folks on Hale's Moon. And out here, floatin' in nothin', surrounded by blackness, that seems all the more true. If it wasn't for Merkabah, maybe 'steada my blood boilin' out my ears, I'd just come apart, unravel, and scatter through space, like dust, just a billion, billion memories lost in time.
Well, ain't that somethin', me gettin' all poetical and sentimental. Tellin' ya, it's the gorram black. It gets to you. Makes you see things different, makes you think 'bout things you wouldn't normally.
I'm 'bout a day out from Persephone. Don't plan on bein' there long. Just to tend to my business and get the hell outta dodge and back on home. Still ain't figured out what to do, but I reckon that'll come with time.
Kept thinkin' 'bout things. Not that it was anything new for me, but the difference is, there's somethin' 'bout the black that puts a spin on your head so you ain't always focused on the same things.
I thought a good bit on the Lone Reverie. Where she was, whether her crew was still together, what they were all up to. I spent so long on that boat, 'round all of 'em, and they had such a huge impact on my life, but I ain't hardly thought 'bout 'em in a coon's age. Funny, that. Then I started thinkin' 'bout what they'd say 'bout my current predicament... Honestly, they'd prol'ly laugh and tease me 'bout the girl from Persephone society comin' back and takin' over for the badass little hellion they helped me become. Then Card'd tell me to go my own way and leave 'em bnoth in the dust. 'Course, Card always was sort of a surrogate father figure to me, so he never did think any man was good 'nough. Reckon he'd like Td and Duncan well 'nough, though.
I miss them. I miss everyone. Sometimes, I feel like all I'm made up of are my memories of the people I love, like if I got amnesia and couldn't remember anyone, I'd just vanish. I am what I've been made. By my Ma and my Pa. By Christopher, the knave. By the Alliance. By Card and his crew. By all the folks on Blackburne. By all the folks on Hale's Moon. And out here, floatin' in nothin', surrounded by blackness, that seems all the more true. If it wasn't for Merkabah, maybe 'steada my blood boilin' out my ears, I'd just come apart, unravel, and scatter through space, like dust, just a billion, billion memories lost in time.
Well, ain't that somethin', me gettin' all poetical and sentimental. Tellin' ya, it's the gorram black. It gets to you. Makes you see things different, makes you think 'bout things you wouldn't normally.
I'm 'bout a day out from Persephone. Don't plan on bein' there long. Just to tend to my business and get the hell outta dodge and back on home. Still ain't figured out what to do, but I reckon that'll come with time.
2.3.09
Lack of Revelation
I needed some time to myself. After everything that'd happened over the last few weeks... well, it was a lot to be thinkin' on, and I'm only one person.
Duncan left. He was tryin' to do what we both knew was right, what I couldn't do - walk away 'fore we did somethin' we'd regret. I wondered for a minute if it wouldn'ta been easier if he just hadn't said anything 'bout his feelings for me. But, honestly, I'm glad he told me, I'm glad I got to know him, I'm glad he's in my life. Granted, fallin' in love right back with him did sorta throw an epic wrench in everything. But I don't regret any of it for a second, and it ain't like we can take any of it back anyway. But now, he's gone and I'm sorta feelin' lost, cuz there's suddenly this huge, gaping void in my life that wasn't there before, and cuz I know I'm the reason he left.
Then there was that 'lliance doctor that came snoopin' around the medpav Monday night after Belize'd woke me up from whatever gorram tranquilizer she'd given me, and Td'd talked to me and calmed me down. Man came in lookin' for Lily, sayin' his assignment was to study and take samples from our.... what'd he call 'em? Xenomorphs. Basically, our anthro mutants. Anyway, he tried to make Belize a doctor so she could help him, but she refused, even though I could see how bad she wanted to sign them papers. Her and Td started questionin' him, and he said somethin' 'bout his DNA an' brainscan bein' on file, which put the memory of Lieutenant Juniper in my head - I remembered how he had the same kinda thing, how they could clone him... so I asked if he was psychic, and he answered in my head. He was in there pokin' 'round - Thank God Lily didn't tell me where the hell she'd got off to with that Ben - and Td and Bel were still talkin' to him, and next thing I know, Td pulled his rifle and shot him. His mind was still in mine as he lay dyin', I could feel his pain, and he told me in my head he'd be back, then started some sorta uplink to transfer the last 24 hours of his memories to somewhere, presumably to wherever they kept his DNA. SO I started stompin' his skull as I heard the numbers climbin' in my brain.... 15%....20%....25%....
I reckon Td and Bel both thought I'd done my nut, cuz they tried to stop me, but I kept stompin' 'til the uplink stopped with an error. Belize sedated me at Td's insistence. Again. So, I laid there on the floor as everything started goin' fuzzy, and I heard his self-destruct timer goin' in my head, and all I saw was orange, all I could say was "Orange." And they weren't gettin' it. So... Ain't sure how I did it, everything was so confused and all I wanted to do was sleep, but I somehow touched Belize's mind. Dunno if it was me screamin' at her for them to get the hell out, or maybe I showed her what I saw... you'd have to ask her that. Everything went black, and the next thing I know, I'm up in the garden over the medpav with Td and Bel.
Belize slept next to me that night. But I couldn't stop thinkin', and well, my favorite place to think's the Wastes. Sure, I'd wanted to run away and stay there before, but at that point, I'd just wanted to be where everything was simple and there were no colors or voices. So, in the middle of the night, I left. Poor Bel, she probably worried herself half to death the next mornin'.
I came back a few days later, and I thought I'd had my head all together, thought I'd calmed down from bein' in that man's head as he died, thought I'd figured out who I wanted to be with. Everyone was at Firefly's. Well, not everyone, especially not Duncan.... but Td was there... he kept starin' at me, wouldn't take his eyes off of me. I reckon the whole situation with Duncan, knowin' how I feel 'bout both of 'em, and then me runnin' off to the Wastes like I did, probably wonderin' if I was ever comin' back, it maybe unsettled him a bit.
He proposed. Got right down on one gorram knee and everythin' and proposed in front of the whole bar and God and everybody. It was the sweetest thing, I think he was actually sweatin' wonderin' whether I was gonna bolt. Truth be told, I wanted to. Marriage ain't worked out so well for me. Ever. Well, the one time to Aeon, but my engagement to Chris... Just, all of it ended disasterously. I can't bear the thought of losin' Td, too. DOn't reckon he really understands why I'm scared to marry him. But, I said yes... so, we'll see where that gets us. I pray it ain't gonna get us right back to disaster.
Can't've been the happiest moment for Belize. Poor woman looked so torn 'tween cryin' and cheerin'. She's convinced that she's destined to be alone for the rest of her days, but I know it ain't true. Just, the right man ain't come along for her yet. And she's so lonely. Can't help that she's gotta watch her ex and her best friend...
Got a wave from Duncan last night. Guess he heard I'd run off to the Wastes and came back. Went out to comb the gorram desert for me on horseback. Crazy man's gonna get hisself hurt or killed runnin' 'round out there. But I guess he made it back safe. Prol'ly clickin' hot with radiation, but safe. I hope he don't get sick.
So, here I am now. I left again. Got me some business on Persephone, so I shipped out on Merkabah. Least folks know where I am this time. And maybe bein' out in the black'll help me find some clarity that I couldn't find in the Wastes. 'Cuz sure enough, hearin' from Duncan got me all manner of confused all over again.
To tell the truth, I'm sorta terrified. All I can do's think 'bout all these things that've happened recently, and all that does is make me less sure 'bout everything. AIn't quite sure where my head is, but I do know one thing for certain. Everything's changed now. Everything. And it'll never go back to how it used to be. I'll never go back to bein' who I used to be. And it makes me a little sad, and a lot scared, cuz I sure as hell don't know what the future's got in store for me. Usually, a person's at least got an idea 'bout that. But right now, I ain't even got a clue what's gonna happen in the next five minutes.
Duncan left. He was tryin' to do what we both knew was right, what I couldn't do - walk away 'fore we did somethin' we'd regret. I wondered for a minute if it wouldn'ta been easier if he just hadn't said anything 'bout his feelings for me. But, honestly, I'm glad he told me, I'm glad I got to know him, I'm glad he's in my life. Granted, fallin' in love right back with him did sorta throw an epic wrench in everything. But I don't regret any of it for a second, and it ain't like we can take any of it back anyway. But now, he's gone and I'm sorta feelin' lost, cuz there's suddenly this huge, gaping void in my life that wasn't there before, and cuz I know I'm the reason he left.
Then there was that 'lliance doctor that came snoopin' around the medpav Monday night after Belize'd woke me up from whatever gorram tranquilizer she'd given me, and Td'd talked to me and calmed me down. Man came in lookin' for Lily, sayin' his assignment was to study and take samples from our.... what'd he call 'em? Xenomorphs. Basically, our anthro mutants. Anyway, he tried to make Belize a doctor so she could help him, but she refused, even though I could see how bad she wanted to sign them papers. Her and Td started questionin' him, and he said somethin' 'bout his DNA an' brainscan bein' on file, which put the memory of Lieutenant Juniper in my head - I remembered how he had the same kinda thing, how they could clone him... so I asked if he was psychic, and he answered in my head. He was in there pokin' 'round - Thank God Lily didn't tell me where the hell she'd got off to with that Ben - and Td and Bel were still talkin' to him, and next thing I know, Td pulled his rifle and shot him. His mind was still in mine as he lay dyin', I could feel his pain, and he told me in my head he'd be back, then started some sorta uplink to transfer the last 24 hours of his memories to somewhere, presumably to wherever they kept his DNA. SO I started stompin' his skull as I heard the numbers climbin' in my brain.... 15%....20%....25%....
I reckon Td and Bel both thought I'd done my nut, cuz they tried to stop me, but I kept stompin' 'til the uplink stopped with an error. Belize sedated me at Td's insistence. Again. So, I laid there on the floor as everything started goin' fuzzy, and I heard his self-destruct timer goin' in my head, and all I saw was orange, all I could say was "Orange." And they weren't gettin' it. So... Ain't sure how I did it, everything was so confused and all I wanted to do was sleep, but I somehow touched Belize's mind. Dunno if it was me screamin' at her for them to get the hell out, or maybe I showed her what I saw... you'd have to ask her that. Everything went black, and the next thing I know, I'm up in the garden over the medpav with Td and Bel.
Belize slept next to me that night. But I couldn't stop thinkin', and well, my favorite place to think's the Wastes. Sure, I'd wanted to run away and stay there before, but at that point, I'd just wanted to be where everything was simple and there were no colors or voices. So, in the middle of the night, I left. Poor Bel, she probably worried herself half to death the next mornin'.
I came back a few days later, and I thought I'd had my head all together, thought I'd calmed down from bein' in that man's head as he died, thought I'd figured out who I wanted to be with. Everyone was at Firefly's. Well, not everyone, especially not Duncan.... but Td was there... he kept starin' at me, wouldn't take his eyes off of me. I reckon the whole situation with Duncan, knowin' how I feel 'bout both of 'em, and then me runnin' off to the Wastes like I did, probably wonderin' if I was ever comin' back, it maybe unsettled him a bit.
He proposed. Got right down on one gorram knee and everythin' and proposed in front of the whole bar and God and everybody. It was the sweetest thing, I think he was actually sweatin' wonderin' whether I was gonna bolt. Truth be told, I wanted to. Marriage ain't worked out so well for me. Ever. Well, the one time to Aeon, but my engagement to Chris... Just, all of it ended disasterously. I can't bear the thought of losin' Td, too. DOn't reckon he really understands why I'm scared to marry him. But, I said yes... so, we'll see where that gets us. I pray it ain't gonna get us right back to disaster.
Can't've been the happiest moment for Belize. Poor woman looked so torn 'tween cryin' and cheerin'. She's convinced that she's destined to be alone for the rest of her days, but I know it ain't true. Just, the right man ain't come along for her yet. And she's so lonely. Can't help that she's gotta watch her ex and her best friend...
Got a wave from Duncan last night. Guess he heard I'd run off to the Wastes and came back. Went out to comb the gorram desert for me on horseback. Crazy man's gonna get hisself hurt or killed runnin' 'round out there. But I guess he made it back safe. Prol'ly clickin' hot with radiation, but safe. I hope he don't get sick.
So, here I am now. I left again. Got me some business on Persephone, so I shipped out on Merkabah. Least folks know where I am this time. And maybe bein' out in the black'll help me find some clarity that I couldn't find in the Wastes. 'Cuz sure enough, hearin' from Duncan got me all manner of confused all over again.
To tell the truth, I'm sorta terrified. All I can do's think 'bout all these things that've happened recently, and all that does is make me less sure 'bout everything. AIn't quite sure where my head is, but I do know one thing for certain. Everything's changed now. Everything. And it'll never go back to how it used to be. I'll never go back to bein' who I used to be. And it makes me a little sad, and a lot scared, cuz I sure as hell don't know what the future's got in store for me. Usually, a person's at least got an idea 'bout that. But right now, I ain't even got a clue what's gonna happen in the next five minutes.
22.2.09
Sand In Her Shoes - A Narrative
She shoved another shirt in her pack, not even really aware of her surroundings, so focused was she on what needed to be done, and that list of things that needed to come with her. If she stopped to think about everything that had happened over the last week, she wasn't going to make it out the door. Every gun, knife, sword, bat, frying pan, chainsaw, stick, and anything else she could use as a weapon was laid out on the bed, waiting to be packed up or strapped to her. Over the next several moments, she managed to attach all of them to her sack, a few going in their rightful places on her body. Moving around to the nightstand next to her bed, she opened the drawer and extricated her Bible, folding it lovingly in an old yard of purple silk fabric before tucking it into the already-encumbered rucksack sitting on the chair next to her bed.
With that done, she yanked the drawstring on her pack and slung it across one shoulder, taking a quick look around, her mind blank of all emotion, just purpose. Slinking from the room, she glanced up and down the street before heading outside, hoping to avoid as many people as possible, the soft-soled leather boots on her feet whispering against the asphalt as she made her way toward the bar on Hale's Moon. Her aim was to obtain some supplies; foodstuffs and water for her trip out. Once she was there, she could worry about finding more.
Belize was there. That hadn't been planned. She had counted on Belize being at Firefly's. Yet, here she was, sitting there, cool as a cucumber. Imrhien's numb brain backpedaled, and she stopped short, scrambling for an explanation. All that came out was, "Have to get water." Of course Belize took that to mean a glass of water. And of course, all she could say was "Not that water. Water to take." And that was all it took for Belize to figure it out.
She left the bar, going to the only place she could think of that had water: the hydroponic building. Pulling a hose and grabbing a green watering can, she turned the water on to begin filling the bucket. And Belize walked in, having followed her. Damn.
They exchanged words, Belize telling Imrhien she'd go with her to the Wastes, and Imrhien telling Belize that she didn't need the radiation. In that moment, reality came rushing back on her, everything that had happened so recently. Of General, hurting so badly inside that he just wanted to end himself, pointing his gun at their friends because of her. Of Belize, admitting she had a mass growing in her brain and that it might kill her, of her fierce loyalty and protective nature and her adoration for her, even though she had been the one to cause her so much pain. Of Td, who loved her like she'd never been loved by anyone. Of Duncan, who had loved her from so far away for such a long time without her ever even knowing it, who had shown her that love was not selfish, who had asked nothing of her but for her to be happy, who had walked away to give her that happiness....
She was still talking, but wasn't even aware of it. By God, she was going to the Wastes, and she was going to live out her days there as a hermit so she wouldn't hurt anyone else. She would spend her days in prayer and meditation, be one with the earth, forget the pain and just exist.
In the midst of the argument, she heard Belize say, "Immi.. I didnt want to do this...," and felt the needle enter her arm, liquid heat spreading through her body quickly. She felt weak. And then, blackness consumed her.
With that done, she yanked the drawstring on her pack and slung it across one shoulder, taking a quick look around, her mind blank of all emotion, just purpose. Slinking from the room, she glanced up and down the street before heading outside, hoping to avoid as many people as possible, the soft-soled leather boots on her feet whispering against the asphalt as she made her way toward the bar on Hale's Moon. Her aim was to obtain some supplies; foodstuffs and water for her trip out. Once she was there, she could worry about finding more.
Belize was there. That hadn't been planned. She had counted on Belize being at Firefly's. Yet, here she was, sitting there, cool as a cucumber. Imrhien's numb brain backpedaled, and she stopped short, scrambling for an explanation. All that came out was, "Have to get water." Of course Belize took that to mean a glass of water. And of course, all she could say was "Not that water. Water to take." And that was all it took for Belize to figure it out.
She left the bar, going to the only place she could think of that had water: the hydroponic building. Pulling a hose and grabbing a green watering can, she turned the water on to begin filling the bucket. And Belize walked in, having followed her. Damn.
They exchanged words, Belize telling Imrhien she'd go with her to the Wastes, and Imrhien telling Belize that she didn't need the radiation. In that moment, reality came rushing back on her, everything that had happened so recently. Of General, hurting so badly inside that he just wanted to end himself, pointing his gun at their friends because of her. Of Belize, admitting she had a mass growing in her brain and that it might kill her, of her fierce loyalty and protective nature and her adoration for her, even though she had been the one to cause her so much pain. Of Td, who loved her like she'd never been loved by anyone. Of Duncan, who had loved her from so far away for such a long time without her ever even knowing it, who had shown her that love was not selfish, who had asked nothing of her but for her to be happy, who had walked away to give her that happiness....
She was still talking, but wasn't even aware of it. By God, she was going to the Wastes, and she was going to live out her days there as a hermit so she wouldn't hurt anyone else. She would spend her days in prayer and meditation, be one with the earth, forget the pain and just exist.
In the midst of the argument, she heard Belize say, "Immi.. I didnt want to do this...," and felt the needle enter her arm, liquid heat spreading through her body quickly. She felt weak. And then, blackness consumed her.
19.2.09
An Ancient Chinese Curse: May You Live In Interesting Times
An' to think. A month or two ago, I was bored outta my skull. I swear, I'll never complain 'bout havin' nothin' to worry 'bout again, cuz sure as I know the sun rises every day, I know the 'verse's got a sense o' humor, and that it's got no problem givin' you 'zactly what you was wishin' for just to laugh when you realize it was a real bad idea to be wishin' for it. Here I was, worryin' bout how humiliatin' it'd be if'n no one bid on me for the Firefly's employee auction. Silly me.
Wasn't expectin' things to go the way they had. Figured if anyone was gonna bid on me, it'd be Td. Though, truth be told, I reckon there were quite a few surprises that night, and for more'n just me. My bid was won by Duncan Cooperstone, who I'd said all'f twenty-three words to 'fore the auction. Sure, I knew who he was; Man like that, you can't help but notice... But that he'd bid on me? I think I just 'bout fell over from shock. All I kept thinkin' was, "Um. What?" Anyway, long story short, cuz I ain't tryin' to bore nobody with details, him and I talked and've been gettin' to know eachother.
So, seems all hell's broke loose over it. Lily's been actin' different... I'm fair certain she's disappointed Mr. Duncan didn't bid on her. She's been... I dunno, switchin' back and forth 'tween Ben and Xzander, which's really only provokin' both to wanna kill t'other. She asked Duncan to marry her... And she's been treatin' me like i"m some evil tyrant cuz I wanna look out for her well-bein'. I just dont wanna see her hurt or broke. I don't want her to have to live through that I have. She deserves all the happiness in the 'verse. Guess the thing i gotta remember's that she's her own person, and that she's gotta make her own mistakes, just like I did, to learn. So, while I'd like to be able to stand up and protect her at every turn, I gotta sit back and wait for her to either ask for help, or be there to catch her when she falls. We're both new at this business, so I reckon it'lll just take some time to get used to it.
Part of me knew that General was...upset. I ain't proud o' what I done to him, takin' him as a lover and then leavin' him high n' dry when everything happened with Td. To be fair, we'd discussed it 'fore and'd decided we was just what we was, friends who were sleepin' together. He'd told me he was enjoyin' female attention, so I never gave it a second thought, how he might be feeling 'bout me. Lookin' back, I guess I sorta can see what a slap it musta been when Td an' I ended up together - a person in his position'll always wonder, "What's wrong with me? What's he got that I ain't?" it's been festerin' in him for some time now, an' I can see it in his eyes whenever he looks at Td, like he'd like to rip his throat out. Ain't fair, cuz I'm the one who made the choice, not Td.
Anyway, t'other night, Lily'n me'd got into it, an' it all came out, what Lily was frettin' over, how she thought I was gonna run off an' marry Duncan and then Td wouldn't be her dad anymore, an' out odd, little family'd be all broken up. So, I explained to her that I wasn't leavin' Td, and while maybe in another time or place or life, I'd run off with him, I wasn't now and we were just friends. Well, General didn't like that. He was so angry an' I didn't even realize how my words was just another stone thrown, another brick in the wall, another slap 'cross the face, til it was way too late.
I knew... Saw his rage, his sadness channeled into rage, an' I knew in that moment that somethin' in him had broken, that he needed to get it out of himself so it'd stop eatin' him alive. So, I ogot up in his face an' told him to "Say it." From there, things got somewhat buggered. I ain't gettin' into details, cuz them't need to know've either been told or were there. Bottom line was, I was tryin' to make him see I was the one she shoulda been mad at, not Td or Duncan, to get him to unleash his rage in an environment where I felt safe an' comfortable. Maybe I woulda got hurt, but I wouldn'ta got killed, an' it ain't like I never been hurt 'fore. Least that time woulda been to help a friend. But that didn't happen. All't happened was everything there was hurt emotionally, a few physically. General's gone. Dunno when or if he'll be back, but I hope he's alright, wherever he is.
Belize worries me. She's transitioned from hatin' me over Td to bein' fiercely protective of me an' Td an' our relationship. I know she's got a big.... event happenin' this weekend that could go.... badly, but she seems like she's plannin' for the worst, settin' all her affairs in order an' makin' sure things're how she wants 'em in case she.... don't want up. To the point where she seems to be puttin' my happiness 'fore her own, like hers ain't as important as mine. I need to find the right way to tell her't my happiness ain't no more'r less important than anybody else's, an' that she needs to stop sacrificin' herself for the people she cares 'bout. Sometimes, self-sacrifice's a noble thing, an' you gotta do it or live with yerself if you didn't. But she puts more 'fore her in everythin'. An' really, I know she feels like she's standin' in my shadow, which I hate. Belize has brilliant, beautiful light all her own, she just needs the confidence in herself to really shine. She keeps talkin' bout how no men want her, and it makes me wonder if she don't need to change up her advertisin' campaign a bit if'n she wants a man, cuz even as pretty an' smart an' talented an' funny as she is, if she goes 'round tellin' people how she'll never get a man an' all the things that're wrong with her, nobody'll wanna stick 'round to hear 'bout the good parts.
An' then, there's Duncan. Ain't rightly sure what to think of the man. He professed his regard, then backed off, sayin' that I knew an' that I was in his life as a friend was enough for him. He reminds me some of Td, the honor, the integrity, the strength, the intelligence... Okay, a lot of Td. Truth is, I wasn't lyin' when I told Lily "in another time an' place, I'd run off with him." I've only known him a few days, really, but I feel like I've known him forever. Sorta just like Td. But, it ain't like anything can come of it but friendship. And I'm glad to have his friendship, he's a singular man, an' any woman he chose to stand at his side'd be damned lucky.
It occured to me that I gotta lot of people sacrificin' themselves for my happiness. I don't reckon I'm okay with that. Cuz what'm I sacrificin' for them? An' the thing is, we each gotta find out own happiness, no one else can make another person happy. A body's gotta decide for themself whether or not to be happy. I'm responisble for my happiness, Duncan's responsible for his, Belize's responsible for hers, General's responsible for his, and Lily's responsible for hers. Problem is, I dunno how to tell these people I care so much 'bout to stop sacificin' themselves for me. I ain't some kinda goddess, I don't need to be worshipped, and while there're times when self-sacrifice is appropriate and heroic, but there's way more times it ain't.
Everything's just so complicated now. I ain't quite sure how everything's gonna end up, which kinda scares me. Reckon I should just keep on pluggin' away, an' maybe things'll go back to bein' simple sooner or later. A girl can hope, right?
Wasn't expectin' things to go the way they had. Figured if anyone was gonna bid on me, it'd be Td. Though, truth be told, I reckon there were quite a few surprises that night, and for more'n just me. My bid was won by Duncan Cooperstone, who I'd said all'f twenty-three words to 'fore the auction. Sure, I knew who he was; Man like that, you can't help but notice... But that he'd bid on me? I think I just 'bout fell over from shock. All I kept thinkin' was, "Um. What?" Anyway, long story short, cuz I ain't tryin' to bore nobody with details, him and I talked and've been gettin' to know eachother.
So, seems all hell's broke loose over it. Lily's been actin' different... I'm fair certain she's disappointed Mr. Duncan didn't bid on her. She's been... I dunno, switchin' back and forth 'tween Ben and Xzander, which's really only provokin' both to wanna kill t'other. She asked Duncan to marry her... And she's been treatin' me like i"m some evil tyrant cuz I wanna look out for her well-bein'. I just dont wanna see her hurt or broke. I don't want her to have to live through that I have. She deserves all the happiness in the 'verse. Guess the thing i gotta remember's that she's her own person, and that she's gotta make her own mistakes, just like I did, to learn. So, while I'd like to be able to stand up and protect her at every turn, I gotta sit back and wait for her to either ask for help, or be there to catch her when she falls. We're both new at this business, so I reckon it'lll just take some time to get used to it.
Part of me knew that General was...upset. I ain't proud o' what I done to him, takin' him as a lover and then leavin' him high n' dry when everything happened with Td. To be fair, we'd discussed it 'fore and'd decided we was just what we was, friends who were sleepin' together. He'd told me he was enjoyin' female attention, so I never gave it a second thought, how he might be feeling 'bout me. Lookin' back, I guess I sorta can see what a slap it musta been when Td an' I ended up together - a person in his position'll always wonder, "What's wrong with me? What's he got that I ain't?" it's been festerin' in him for some time now, an' I can see it in his eyes whenever he looks at Td, like he'd like to rip his throat out. Ain't fair, cuz I'm the one who made the choice, not Td.
Anyway, t'other night, Lily'n me'd got into it, an' it all came out, what Lily was frettin' over, how she thought I was gonna run off an' marry Duncan and then Td wouldn't be her dad anymore, an' out odd, little family'd be all broken up. So, I explained to her that I wasn't leavin' Td, and while maybe in another time or place or life, I'd run off with him, I wasn't now and we were just friends. Well, General didn't like that. He was so angry an' I didn't even realize how my words was just another stone thrown, another brick in the wall, another slap 'cross the face, til it was way too late.
I knew... Saw his rage, his sadness channeled into rage, an' I knew in that moment that somethin' in him had broken, that he needed to get it out of himself so it'd stop eatin' him alive. So, I ogot up in his face an' told him to "Say it." From there, things got somewhat buggered. I ain't gettin' into details, cuz them't need to know've either been told or were there. Bottom line was, I was tryin' to make him see I was the one she shoulda been mad at, not Td or Duncan, to get him to unleash his rage in an environment where I felt safe an' comfortable. Maybe I woulda got hurt, but I wouldn'ta got killed, an' it ain't like I never been hurt 'fore. Least that time woulda been to help a friend. But that didn't happen. All't happened was everything there was hurt emotionally, a few physically. General's gone. Dunno when or if he'll be back, but I hope he's alright, wherever he is.
Belize worries me. She's transitioned from hatin' me over Td to bein' fiercely protective of me an' Td an' our relationship. I know she's got a big.... event happenin' this weekend that could go.... badly, but she seems like she's plannin' for the worst, settin' all her affairs in order an' makin' sure things're how she wants 'em in case she.... don't want up. To the point where she seems to be puttin' my happiness 'fore her own, like hers ain't as important as mine. I need to find the right way to tell her't my happiness ain't no more'r less important than anybody else's, an' that she needs to stop sacrificin' herself for the people she cares 'bout. Sometimes, self-sacrifice's a noble thing, an' you gotta do it or live with yerself if you didn't. But she puts more 'fore her in everythin'. An' really, I know she feels like she's standin' in my shadow, which I hate. Belize has brilliant, beautiful light all her own, she just needs the confidence in herself to really shine. She keeps talkin' bout how no men want her, and it makes me wonder if she don't need to change up her advertisin' campaign a bit if'n she wants a man, cuz even as pretty an' smart an' talented an' funny as she is, if she goes 'round tellin' people how she'll never get a man an' all the things that're wrong with her, nobody'll wanna stick 'round to hear 'bout the good parts.
An' then, there's Duncan. Ain't rightly sure what to think of the man. He professed his regard, then backed off, sayin' that I knew an' that I was in his life as a friend was enough for him. He reminds me some of Td, the honor, the integrity, the strength, the intelligence... Okay, a lot of Td. Truth is, I wasn't lyin' when I told Lily "in another time an' place, I'd run off with him." I've only known him a few days, really, but I feel like I've known him forever. Sorta just like Td. But, it ain't like anything can come of it but friendship. And I'm glad to have his friendship, he's a singular man, an' any woman he chose to stand at his side'd be damned lucky.
It occured to me that I gotta lot of people sacrificin' themselves for my happiness. I don't reckon I'm okay with that. Cuz what'm I sacrificin' for them? An' the thing is, we each gotta find out own happiness, no one else can make another person happy. A body's gotta decide for themself whether or not to be happy. I'm responisble for my happiness, Duncan's responsible for his, Belize's responsible for hers, General's responsible for his, and Lily's responsible for hers. Problem is, I dunno how to tell these people I care so much 'bout to stop sacificin' themselves for me. I ain't some kinda goddess, I don't need to be worshipped, and while there're times when self-sacrifice is appropriate and heroic, but there's way more times it ain't.
Everything's just so complicated now. I ain't quite sure how everything's gonna end up, which kinda scares me. Reckon I should just keep on pluggin' away, an' maybe things'll go back to bein' simple sooner or later. A girl can hope, right?
10.2.09
The Future Is Always Born In Pain
I got shook up today. Shook up real bad. Hate to admit it, and I'll never 'fess up out loud, but I'm scared. Terrified. Things're movin' fast now. Way too fast. I'm havin' trouble keepin' up. Is it all connected? Guess time'll tell, but by the time we know, it could be too late for all of us. That's what scares me.
The bots're here. On Blackburne and on Hale's Moon. We knew they was on Blackburne. Gorram drones're blockin' the pass to the Wastes, and there've been some skirmishes with warbots so far. No major attacks. I think us findin' 'em was a fluke. Me and x0x0 ran into 'em that night when I brought her outta the Wastes and they attacked and couldn't kill us. They don't know how much we know. I suspect if they did know, they'd be changin' up their strategy and we'd prol'ly all be dead.
I was madder'n a cut snake earlier on accounta findin' out Ben'd kissed Lily 'n' told her he loved her. Ironically, heard about it just after I'd glanced outside and saw him panderin' 'round with that new dancer from Blackburne he's been messin' with. Wanted to kill him. Or 'tleast maim him good and proper. But Lily said no, there was nothin' 'tween 'em and I shouldn't be mad. So I left Fook Yoo's 'n' stormed out into the badlands to find somethin' to shoot at.
Found a drone. I'd heard rumors they'd been sighted on Hale's Moon, but hadn't seen any sign of any. Took it down without much trouble. Ain't so fearsome when they're on their own. But then, it was like the sky disappeared, there were more of 'em'n I could count. All I could do was run like hell, shootin' as fast as I could, reloadin' as fast as I could. And I prayed. Cuz if I died out there, who'd know? Who'd find my body, 'sides gorram Reavers? Who'd tell folks 'bout what I saw?
Ain't rightly sure how I got out alive, but I did. I ran back in town as fast as my legs'd carry me and told the first people I saw. Then I headed for Blackburne to spread the word. I reckon Td saw how scared I was, cuz he headed out to the pass to draw some o' the gorram things out, to thin out the population. Good group went with. Cholgosh, Alison, Belize, and later, General, Jango and Zade showed up to help. We took down more'n I could count, but they was only comin' out a few at a time. Like they was teasin' us or somethin'.
I pray to God Sabrina figures out some way to wipe 'em all out. Or anyone, really. Cuz the longer we wait, the more there'll be. And I'm already terrified. I don't wanna see the folks I care so much 'bout slaughtered by some gorram machines. I don't wanna see alla humanity wiped out cuz the gorram 'lliance needs to have its gorram tight grip on everything't goes on in the 'verse and're willin' to do anything, go to any lengths, to see it done.
Then there's what Pod brought to light t'other day. The fleet of old 'lliance ships massin'. Dunno if it's got anything to do with the bots, but either way, it spells more trouble for everyone. I sent a wave to the Brotherhood lettin' 'em know 'bout it, sent 'em the picture Pod showed me. Maybe they'll be able to figure out what's goin' on with that. Cuz it ain't somethin't needs ignorin'.
And I'm worried 'bout Belize. She ain't been the same since she came back. Always wearin' those sunglasses. Half the time she's cold, like she ain't got no emotions, and the other half, she seems... angry, distant... And then, she's poppin' pills. A lot of 'em. Got a look at the bottle tonight when it fell outta her bag. Ain't aspirin. Chol said she's been havin' bad headaches. But... I dunno, I just get this real bad feelin'. Like somethin's wrong with her. She was actin' funny earlier, askin' 'bout how to get to the Wastes, what with the drones blockin' the pass. She looked... I dunno. I'mna keep an eye on her, though, cuz somethin' ain't right. And it'd kill me if somethin' happened to her.
Feels like everything's spinnin' outta control. Like I'm watchin' this huge storm rollin' in, like I can't do nothin' 'bout it but run 'n' hide when it gets real bad. I don't like that. Makes me feel even more useless. There was a point tonight where I felt like there was no hope, like none of us'd come outta all this alive. But then, I remembered this thing I heard on an old Earth That Was vid....
So, guess all I can do is keep on as I have and just take things as they come. All I wanna do is protect the people I love and the places I call home. And to do that, I gotta have hope that it'll all turn out right. In the mean time, I got some prayin' to do and some skills to hone...
The bots're here. On Blackburne and on Hale's Moon. We knew they was on Blackburne. Gorram drones're blockin' the pass to the Wastes, and there've been some skirmishes with warbots so far. No major attacks. I think us findin' 'em was a fluke. Me and x0x0 ran into 'em that night when I brought her outta the Wastes and they attacked and couldn't kill us. They don't know how much we know. I suspect if they did know, they'd be changin' up their strategy and we'd prol'ly all be dead.
I was madder'n a cut snake earlier on accounta findin' out Ben'd kissed Lily 'n' told her he loved her. Ironically, heard about it just after I'd glanced outside and saw him panderin' 'round with that new dancer from Blackburne he's been messin' with. Wanted to kill him. Or 'tleast maim him good and proper. But Lily said no, there was nothin' 'tween 'em and I shouldn't be mad. So I left Fook Yoo's 'n' stormed out into the badlands to find somethin' to shoot at.
Found a drone. I'd heard rumors they'd been sighted on Hale's Moon, but hadn't seen any sign of any. Took it down without much trouble. Ain't so fearsome when they're on their own. But then, it was like the sky disappeared, there were more of 'em'n I could count. All I could do was run like hell, shootin' as fast as I could, reloadin' as fast as I could. And I prayed. Cuz if I died out there, who'd know? Who'd find my body, 'sides gorram Reavers? Who'd tell folks 'bout what I saw?
Ain't rightly sure how I got out alive, but I did. I ran back in town as fast as my legs'd carry me and told the first people I saw. Then I headed for Blackburne to spread the word. I reckon Td saw how scared I was, cuz he headed out to the pass to draw some o' the gorram things out, to thin out the population. Good group went with. Cholgosh, Alison, Belize, and later, General, Jango and Zade showed up to help. We took down more'n I could count, but they was only comin' out a few at a time. Like they was teasin' us or somethin'.
I pray to God Sabrina figures out some way to wipe 'em all out. Or anyone, really. Cuz the longer we wait, the more there'll be. And I'm already terrified. I don't wanna see the folks I care so much 'bout slaughtered by some gorram machines. I don't wanna see alla humanity wiped out cuz the gorram 'lliance needs to have its gorram tight grip on everything't goes on in the 'verse and're willin' to do anything, go to any lengths, to see it done.
Then there's what Pod brought to light t'other day. The fleet of old 'lliance ships massin'. Dunno if it's got anything to do with the bots, but either way, it spells more trouble for everyone. I sent a wave to the Brotherhood lettin' 'em know 'bout it, sent 'em the picture Pod showed me. Maybe they'll be able to figure out what's goin' on with that. Cuz it ain't somethin't needs ignorin'.
And I'm worried 'bout Belize. She ain't been the same since she came back. Always wearin' those sunglasses. Half the time she's cold, like she ain't got no emotions, and the other half, she seems... angry, distant... And then, she's poppin' pills. A lot of 'em. Got a look at the bottle tonight when it fell outta her bag. Ain't aspirin. Chol said she's been havin' bad headaches. But... I dunno, I just get this real bad feelin'. Like somethin's wrong with her. She was actin' funny earlier, askin' 'bout how to get to the Wastes, what with the drones blockin' the pass. She looked... I dunno. I'mna keep an eye on her, though, cuz somethin' ain't right. And it'd kill me if somethin' happened to her.
Feels like everything's spinnin' outta control. Like I'm watchin' this huge storm rollin' in, like I can't do nothin' 'bout it but run 'n' hide when it gets real bad. I don't like that. Makes me feel even more useless. There was a point tonight where I felt like there was no hope, like none of us'd come outta all this alive. But then, I remembered this thing I heard on an old Earth That Was vid....
"All of life can be broken down into moments of transition and moments of revelation. This had the feeling of both...There is a darkness greater than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities: it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain."
So, guess all I can do is keep on as I have and just take things as they come. All I wanna do is protect the people I love and the places I call home. And to do that, I gotta have hope that it'll all turn out right. In the mean time, I got some prayin' to do and some skills to hone...
9.2.09
Gone Soft
Reckon it's time I stopped swoonin' over girly stuff like romance and dresses and emotions and got my head back where it needs to be - on the situation at hand. Lotta serious stuff goin' down out on the rim lately, and here's me, moonin' like some lovesick cow. What the hell's got into me lately? Guessin' posin' as a Companion's started rubbin' off on me more'n I'd like to admit.
T'other day, I was on Hale's Moon. Ain't seen much of Seana and Sabrina, and Td's been over there workin' on some stuff for the town. Ain't rightly sure how it happened, everything sorta blew up as I got there, but Duncan Cooperstone, the captain of the local crew of the Raivenn, had got shot by a bounty hunter, and also one of his crew, little boy named Jin that he looks after. Seems there was an alert on the cortex with a price on his head from when he went to rescue Ben, Pod and Lily a bit back. She wanted to draw Mr. Duncan out of hidin' so she shot the kid in the arm, then ran across Mr. Duncan before Jin had even found him, shot him, but didn't kill or disable him. Pod had managed to wing her on her way offworld and crippled her ship, groundin' her on our little moon.
A wise man once said, "In order to flush a snake from the grass, one must beat the grass." So, I decided to stomp the shit outta the grass and went scoutin' to flush her ass outta hidin'. It didn't work out quite as well as I'd hoped, the bitch managed to get the drop on me, puttin' a round in my back 'fore I even saw her. But it did have the desired effect of drawin' her out, and Mr. Duncan was able to gun her down.
It pissed me off somethin' fierce, though, that she got the drop on me. That never woulda happened before. I used to be a badass. Somewhere in all the stuff't's happened recently, I lost that edge I'd honed so painstakinly for eleven years. I almost fell apart at Lily's trial, I got snuck up on by a gorram bounty hunter, and I let myself get all ripped to shreds by Reavers earlier today. Been happenin' before then, too, with the bots and the gorram Loyalists, me takin' hits I wouldn'ta taken six months ago.
That ain't me, and I don't like that I'm turnin' soft and sloppy. Maybe it's time I startin' hittin' Td's new dojo and gettin' back to sparrin' and takin' on some jobs as they come up to get my edge back and keep it. Cuz for me, ain't nothin' worse than bein' useless. An' right now, I feel useless.
T'other day, I was on Hale's Moon. Ain't seen much of Seana and Sabrina, and Td's been over there workin' on some stuff for the town. Ain't rightly sure how it happened, everything sorta blew up as I got there, but Duncan Cooperstone, the captain of the local crew of the Raivenn, had got shot by a bounty hunter, and also one of his crew, little boy named Jin that he looks after. Seems there was an alert on the cortex with a price on his head from when he went to rescue Ben, Pod and Lily a bit back. She wanted to draw Mr. Duncan out of hidin' so she shot the kid in the arm, then ran across Mr. Duncan before Jin had even found him, shot him, but didn't kill or disable him. Pod had managed to wing her on her way offworld and crippled her ship, groundin' her on our little moon.
A wise man once said, "In order to flush a snake from the grass, one must beat the grass." So, I decided to stomp the shit outta the grass and went scoutin' to flush her ass outta hidin'. It didn't work out quite as well as I'd hoped, the bitch managed to get the drop on me, puttin' a round in my back 'fore I even saw her. But it did have the desired effect of drawin' her out, and Mr. Duncan was able to gun her down.
It pissed me off somethin' fierce, though, that she got the drop on me. That never woulda happened before. I used to be a badass. Somewhere in all the stuff't's happened recently, I lost that edge I'd honed so painstakinly for eleven years. I almost fell apart at Lily's trial, I got snuck up on by a gorram bounty hunter, and I let myself get all ripped to shreds by Reavers earlier today. Been happenin' before then, too, with the bots and the gorram Loyalists, me takin' hits I wouldn'ta taken six months ago.
That ain't me, and I don't like that I'm turnin' soft and sloppy. Maybe it's time I startin' hittin' Td's new dojo and gettin' back to sparrin' and takin' on some jobs as they come up to get my edge back and keep it. Cuz for me, ain't nothin' worse than bein' useless. An' right now, I feel useless.
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